the hands of time, must have arthritis

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

It's the last three minutes in Creative Writing and I've never realized how slowly a second goes by, let alone three minutes.

My first lenko list

So I decided that I'm going to continue the trend. I'm calling it the "lenko list" (Andy Tulenko list). And it kind of works because if you pronounce it right, it sounds like link-o list and it's a link of ideas. I don't know, just an excuse for the name I guess. So here it is, a list of ideas that are poping into my head-

-Thermodynamics is uber boring
-I can't wait for next semester
-I can't wait for next year
-A girlfriend will solve all my problems
-I hate hard pencil erasers
-I guess a girlfriend will add to my problems
-BCS is idiotic
-College football is overrated
-Does Troy Smith even play pro?
-Didn't Troy Smith win the Hiesman?
-Mittens are the shit
-I want to wax some peef
-I'm cellphoneless, And I think it may be a good thing
-I made a blockbuster trade in my fantasy league last week: LT and Braylon Edwards for Ocho Cinco and Patrick Willis
-Highschool basketball is suprisly enjoyable to watch
-Rephrase: when you know the players personally...
-Will Smith is a good actor
-Does that make me a bad movie critic?
-Patriots are boring as crap
-Will Smith sucks at rapping
-I'm dominate at Madden '07 for PS2(tmac's victory was a fluke)
-I just watched the clock turn from 4:59 to 5:00
-No, your lame!

That's all I got I guess.

i don't know if there's a point, but it's a post-eh

So I've been sitting on my motivation these last couple of weeks. Not in the way that it's lighting a spark underneath me, but in the way that I'm smothering it. I've had a lot on my mind. There's been some deep thoughts, thorough conversations and progressive, or maybe not so progressive actions. I've been thinking about writing a new blog. I wanted to write something that compliments my attitude lately; something that explains my current life.

I've tried to define myself; challenging what makes me...me. I started to look into my attributes, and trying to see how I value them. I probed the question, slightly prompted by a classmate of mine, of why I have the faith in Christ the way that I do. It's a good question. One who's answer can better me as a person. I thought I could get a great post out of it, but truthfully, it's nothing lengthy. I can elaborate plenty but I believe, and this phrase is very much inspired by a good friend of mine, that authentic hope leads to belief, which leads to actions of faith. I have my faith because I have that hope in something more important, and a belief that Christ was right, and faith that betters me, you and a whole lot of other people.

Truthfully, I've had a pretty...uh..."rough" week, not for lack of a better word but the lack of the will to use profanity. I feel like I'm getting so close to the end of a chapter in my life, and I can't wait for it. I have this intuition, this instinct that when things get hard you fight back, but when you snap, it's game over. I seen over my life, whether it's the right thing to do or not, that if you can't take it anymore, you take some more. But later, when you finally find out that it was too much, you run away. I've come to a breaking point, and I'm ready to leave. Take a break from my life.

My attitude on life has changed so much. It's kind of a "King Kong ain't got s*** on me" attitude. You know, more you a "F" you and all of this too. I hope that doesn't come of the wong way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I've had plenty to blog about. There's just been too much to conprehend. You know the feeling?

f-n' A Cotton, f-n' A

Yep, I did it. I changed the name of my blog. I had been thinking about this new name for a while, and instead of waiting until I graduate high school, making the former name inadequate, I just changed it now. Oh, and for the new look, I guess I just did it because I was bored.



As for what I've been thinking about this week, well, I been watching a lot of ESPN, and here's my deal, I HATE the Patriots. It may sound harsh, but I would be quite alright if Tom Brady tripped over his dog, fell down the stairs colliding with his coach Belichick, severely injuring both. Is that going too far? Can Tom Brady please smile and at least act like he's enjoying himself, because if he's not, please, retire. You're ruining it for the rest of us. And as for the racking up of the score, show some class. Show some respect for the game. I understand that you want to play hard for the whole game, but understand that playing in shotgun for the whole fourth quarter while up by thirty eight points is disrespectful. You've proved your point, your better than them, good job, now step off. All your doing is making yourselves look like jackasses. Eventually, someone is going to take it personally and take it out on Tom Brady. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. I'm looking for Bob Sanders this week end to take care of it. Take it easy, let off. I'm not saying to just take a knee every play, but run the ball, use up the clock and when it's fourth down, kick a field goal! Aghhhhhhhh!



Very frustrating.

...

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer reading the comments on my most recent blog, I had a crystallizing moment. I had an opportunity to post a blog that, honestly, I was terrified to post. I wrote it, and rewrote it, talked to some people on whether or not I should post it, and eventually I did. It's not all that I have inside of my head, but it's a large portion of my recurring thoughts. At least, the ones I've had lately. I realized, when Fisher brought it to my attention, that I most definitely do have a understanding audience. One that I love to write to. I did take a risk. My mind was set that I was probably going to pretty much ripped to pieces in the comments left. It thought that I had missed something obvious and, through the lacking ability of text to convey emotion and attitude, I thought that someone was going to harshly bring it to my attention. No such occurrence. It's more then comforting.

I'm loved. I don't always feel like it. Though, not many people have the opportunity to do what I was able to do. I have friends and family that need me and they consistently show that. I want to thank you all for that.

As for my struggles with affection and what not, they're not over. I don't know how long that will take if it ever happens. I think that it's a strong possibility that this strive for affection is just something to redirect me towards God, but that makes things hard for me. I've never been one who easily can take the fix. I can't pursue the how, without the why. Rob Bell said it all in Velvet Elvis. The why questions need to be answered. I can't simply tell myself that I need to turn towards God for affection. I know, it sounds like the simple answer but I can't take it. Call me a stubborn bastard, I've only learned from the best (you know who you are).

I will wrestle my heart out with God. I will question and challenge everything that I can think of. I don't plan on any victories, but I have to do it. It's the best way for me to engage myself with God. In my everyday life, I question everything. Example: My teachers. Mr. Zander, well, he's not the fondest of me (sorry Erik if that disappoints you). He told me that I had to do my homework consistently to be a good student and if I will ever have a chance to make it to college. Whether that's true or not I'm not arguing. Though, he took out all personal value and that I can't tolerate. I know how to be a good student, I'm not an idiot. I need a why. Why is homework a key part of being a good student, why will I not have a chance to get to college without doing my homework, if I do so well on every test then why is the homework important? Is it about the journey or the end point? Then I have to ask, how do I value my time? Is homework worth my time, in my view? I've always wanted to ask the why, because until those questions are answered, you don't know what how questions even need to be answered.

I love the fact that I challenge everything. I wouldn't be even close to the same person I am today. I don't think that chasing after the heart of God looks anything like simply turning to him. You've got to reach out, grab a hand full and hold on for the ride. Don't take anything easily. Then, God can show you what is important, not just tell you. So I'm bulking up for the ride. **I just flexed of my proverbial plilosophical guns** **sad thing is--there bigger then my real guns**

Now I'm late for Pork Chops. Ah...but is the time that I could have been spending eating Pork Chops worth giving up so that I can reflect on my current life? Depends, why do I even need Pork Chops in the first place?

buh-wah?

I'm hesitant to post this. I can see many of you reading it and just brushing it off as something that I'm simply blowing out of proportion. I hope you don't read into the details, they're just examples, but more into the whole idea.

I can't tell you how many times I lie in bed with my eyes open, hands on my fore head talking to no one. I can't tell you why I do either. I think that maybe it has something to do with my metabolism. I don't eat breakfast, and so I don't start my daily metabolism until 12:30, and that can be a shocker on the system. My body is trying to function on just two huge meals a day. So come around 10:00, I'm not tired because my body didn't really wake up until 12:30 or so. Get it? Never mind if you do or not, that's not he important part. The main idea of this paragraph, if you couldn't tell, is that I lie awake at night, talking to myself.


It's a strange state to be in, trust me. I can't lie, but I got to tell you that what I'm about to say is a little embarrassing. What I'm actually doing while laying there in my bed, is having fake conversations with people who aren't actually there. Almost rehearsal conversations. I don't know why, but I have these full on, dramatic and embellished conversations with someone, and the best part is that it always ends well for me; if it doesn't, I start it over so that it does. Oh, and if it goes really well and I actually want to have that conversation in life, I will sit there and practice it, over and over and over. It's a habit, it's a comfort, it's an addiction!


Somewhere in my life, I became a little socially awkward. The worst part was when I noticed it and started to make a big deal about it, only making it worse. Most of you that read this blog, hopefully haven't noticed because, well, I know you well enough not to be awkward around you. Yet, trust me when I say that I tense up when I'm around other people. I don't know why and I'm sure that a psychiatrist could tell me why, but I really don't care. I just am. There are some people who I just have a tuff time getting to know.


So from here, I think you have figured it out. Those people who I can tend to be awkward around, tend to be the people I "practice" having conversations with. (Man, I sound really lame right now)...(Do I really plan on posting this?)...(Buh-wah?)

I have great friends, a good father, a loving mother and probably the best brother that I could ask for. I'm blessed with those relationships. So anything I say is not in offense to them. It's just how I tend to feel.

I strongly believe that humans were meant for relationships. My brother once said "It's not what you do, but who you do it with." I think that's completely true. I would rather go through a proverbial hell with someone who I care about and who cares for me, then to be in paradise with someone who only comes off negative to me. Humans absolutely need relationships. They are the core of our life. Everything we do, we share with someone in a relationship. And inside that relationship is affection. Affection is crucial to our simple nature. If someone one tells you that they don't care what other's think of them, it's not true. Not at all. They do. They want affection from someone. They want someone to think positively about them. That affection inside our relationships is crucial.

In my life, I'm on a constant search for affection. From every relationship I have, I suck out as much as i can get because I strive off of relationships. I hope that you stuck with me this far because everything I have said is about to come together...hopefully.

Sometimes, I'll have a bad day, a bad week, a bad...you get the point. To try to get myself up and out of that hole, I start searching for affection from others. My friends, my brother, my mom and dad. Yet, sometimes, especially latley, I feel shorted. I still have that erge to feel loved; I have a need to feel needed.

So then, I look at other people outside of my closer relationships. I look at people who are, well, "better" than me, for lack of a better word. What I mean by better is people who I look at and see that they are lovable. They are someone who gets affection all the time. And how do I know that? I don't, I assume it off of thier looks, attitude and how other people act towards them. I begin to think that maybe, if I was to start a relationship with them, and they start to pour thier affection into me, it will be enough. I will be full of affection and things will go easier. "If thier so loved, then thier affection towards others is worth more, and if I get some of that, I'm set."

Then, I realize, that I get awkward around those kinds of people. I've got to be honest, Those people really are all girls. I suck at talking to and getting to know girls. It's not my fortey. When I get awkward around them, I feel worse about myself, and search for that affection even harder. I star to tell myself "I just need a girlfriend". Then I start looking at girls as potential dating partners completley for my benifit. I see in hind sight that looking at girls this way is completley wrong and only puts on more pressure, so I act more awkward, suck worse at getting to know anyone, feel even worse and look for more affection.

Then, when I get home and go to bed, I lay there thinking of a converstation with them. Trying to suply myself with false affection.

Now, I realize that I just tied in God's creation of humans into my "girl problems", but it's not about my girl problems. It's about the fact that I'm never satisfied with the relationships I have. I can't fill myself enough with affection. The worst part is, is when I try to turn to God for affection. It's the hardest thing because it's tuff to feel his presence in my everyday life. I blogged about earlier. I hope that you would agree that it can be hard to feel God's affection when your in your daily schedule. Though, when I go out and look at the stars, it's different, becasue I can feel God's presence, and I am instantly filled. But that's easier said then done.

I strive for affection in my relationships. Everyone does. And when I can't find enough, I start searching in all the wrong places. My "girl problems" is just a symtom of that. All I know is that I sometimes start to go downhill, losing any motivation that I have, when I don't feel needed. I have dating issues, I guess, and I sometimes think that dating shouldn't be that big of a worry for me. But when I'm in such need for affection, dating almost becomes a nessecity, and my struggles with it, becomes a bigger deal. You see, my blogging about girl problems isn't so pathetic anymore.

I could of worked harder on this post. My clearity might be a little rough and I might not have explained myself as much as I wanted to. That's how it goes, eh. I hope you read it and understand what I'm saying. Maybe you have something to say, and I hope you do, but please don't think that this is the extent of my thoughts on this. This post is the Happy Meal of my thoughts.

i think I said to much

At first, I wasn't so sure of the name Steel Train, sounds a little...generic, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Check out thier new CD, it's posted on thier myspace. They really are amazing musicians. I mean to hear that sound and to make it come to life like they do, it's inspiring. I'll just let the music talk for itself. Firecracker is an obvious favorite.

http://www.myspace.com/steeltrain

Oh yeah, and I get to attend thier concert on Monday...Join me, would you?

i've puked something better looking

My bet is that you don't want to hear about the Broncos. I just posted about them and I might sound a little obsessive but I have got to get this off my chest. They really do suck. It woudln't be too hard for them to be 0-5. We're lucky that we are 2-3.

Brandon Marshall told reporters yesterday that he thought that the Broncos fans aren't first class. That they shouldn't leave so early in the game just because they are loosing. He said that it's not right that the fans were booing the Broncos. Well, I've got news for you Brandon...You sucked too. Marshall fumbled in the second quarter inside the five. Man, you really have the right to tell me, a fan, that I'm not first class.

Get used to it. Denver, Colorado most of the US, is a feel good fan. They root for what ever is easy to root for. They just want to feel good about their team. It's pretty tuff to feel good about the Broncos right now. I don't know if you noticed, but football at Invesco Field at Mile High is no longer just Football, no. When you play there, you are now an entertainer. Ever since the new Stadium, it isn't about the Football game and sticking out anything that comes your way, always staying by your teams side. It's about have a good time. It's about enjoying yourself. There aren't any die hard fans anymore, well, not very many. You saw all 15,000 of them during the fourth quarter of the game. They are the only ones who stayed. You have to understand that the atmosphere at the new Invesco Field has turned Broncos Football into Broncos entertainment. It's nothing like the old mile high. Your right, there are no first class fans, because Invesco field isn't a first class football field. It's a first class entertainment extravaganza, and so that's what you get, first class idiots who just want to be entertained.

With that said, I just wanted to say something. I realized this week end how volatile my heart and hopes can be. Last week I was pretty sure that I was going to take a year off. Now, well I'm not so sure. It's still a very good chance because of cost issues with college, but I may go to school next year at the university of Oregon. I might have a chance to get the WUE scholarship and the Lacrosse coach will hopefully make a pull for me and I would have a good chance at other grants and scholarships as well. Now, my mind is set on being a Duck. I just wanted to point that out just to prove that I'm as uncertain about my future as I should be.

...and my hat's real low

Jay Cutler is the Jay-z of the NFL. With his helmet so low, he rocks the jay-z look. I think that's pretty sweet. Thought I would share that.

The Rockies just won their first game in the series. I'm actually going to say it. Go Rockies!?

I'm going to go work out here in a little bit. It'll be the first time...ever. I'm really lazy. I hope Paul doesn't make fun of me. I don't think I could lift a even half of what he does.

I just set a PR. 4 comments. Count 'em. My last post got the most comments I've ever got. I thought that that was pretty sweet. Thanks for the feed back. I definitely don't think that I would lose anything if I took a year off. Oh and Bryce, I know that going to college isn't choosing a career, but It's a big step towards one. I have an amount of time before I get a career, and I get to choose how much time that is. I'm in no hurry to get one, so that time frame can be as long as I want. I don't know that going to college next year is really what I want, so why go. Maybe I should take sometime off, experience things, go to college, experience that and see what life has for me after that. Maybe It's a career, maybe it's more "free" time. Thanks for the comments.

"class started two hours ago, oh am I late?"

I procrastinating on studying for my calculus test tomorrow. I'm pretty good at it. It's over the applications of derivatives. You know, first derivative rule, second derivative rule, concavity and the such. I really not enjoying this chapter.



I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do next year. To tell you the truth, I'm trying to keep my options open, like visit various schools, try for better ACT scores and looking for some scholarships. It's a good thing. I don't want to change my mind last second and find that I haven't given myself very many options, but still, I can't lie, I want to go to Oregon. Another fact, I don't really want to go to school next year. I really want to move to Oregon, or some place like the such, live with who ever I could, find a job, be a part time "musician" (meaning I play my guitar a lot) and eventually gain state residency, then go to school the next year . Most the time I feel like that would set me back. Like if I were to take a year off, then I would be behind schedule. But really, I don't have a schedule. Maybe taking a year off is on my schedule and then I would be right on track. When I tell some people that, they hint that they don't think that it's the best idea. They might not mean to, but that's the gist I get. I don't think I would. I was talking to my dad the other day and he says that his biggest regret was not playing more before getting a career. I'm in no hurry to get a career. I just want to experience life, grow through other windows besides school.



I hope your having a good week. I get to sleep in on Wednesday because it's a late start day. Score!

i use level soap

Every morning I wash my face. It's something that I always do. I usually use Level soap, but no matter where I am, I always wash my face. It makes me feel clean, yeah definitely, but it makes me feel calm because I start the day of like I do every other day. It keeps me in a line, in rhythm, in routine.

My whole life is a routine. I just posted on my morning motions. That is exactly what I do every morning. It almost never differs. Then I go to school, come home, watch some ESPN, eat dinner, do some homework and then go to bed. It's my routine.

Sometimes I go to bed, crawl under the covers, and have a sense of emptiness. Almost like my day was unfulfilled. Think about it, I didn't do anything to better myself or my life. I just went through the motions of my day. I do it five times a week, for 9 months out of the year. It's my routine.

This summer, I had no routine. No restrictions, no plans, no obligations. I went with life. I went with every opportunity I got. I made the most of what it was I was doing right then. I was always doing something new. It was almost like I was outside of my comfort zone...constantly. I had more experiences in those short three months then in my high school career combined. I lived intentionally. I never gave way to a routine.

If you constantly surround yourself with the same thing every day, your sense become dull. Only new experiences can sharpen your senses and let you view the world and God's creation in new ways.

God is always talking. I believe that. I think that as humans we fail to always listen. I think that our everyday routine allows us to just go through the motions of the day, not paying attention to what God is trying to say. Our senses become dull, not aware, we stop living with intention. It becomes a charade.

Are routines bad? No. Not entirely. They can give us a sense of accomplishment and comfort. They allow us to enjoy the people and the places we are at now, everyday. We never have to detach that. We never have to leave to go do something new. That allows deeper relationships and a huge understanding of your current life. When your always on the move, always experiencing new things, you can't go very deep. You always have to break connections, losing that ability.

I think that the solution is to try to find how to have new experiences, sharpen your senses and listen to God, in a routine of your life. I don't know how to do that really. I'm still trying to figure that out. I don't think that simply giving a good helping of prayer and bible reading into everyday will help, because the way I pray, what I pray about and the way I look at the bible, won't change. I will run into the same problem. My senses will become dull.

The way we look at God and the world and our perspectives need to change. Our world changes everyday and our faith needs to follow that. If we catch ourselves in a rut, in a routine, our faith and views won't change.

I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. I didn't go very deep because, I haven't thought about it very deep. Maybe you can continue the conversation and go farther.

If you read this far then you should go now to my good friends blog. He just started it and needs a little encouragement. I've read some of his stuff and its great. The link is to the left as Andy Telenko.

sounds in the morning

A few heavy breaths

A rustle and a turn

My dad's soft voice

'It's time to get up'

A moan

A loud shift in the blankets

A silent count to three

One...two...three

One last sigh and a lift out of bed

I'm up

The sliding of my feet

The creek of my door

The spray of the shower

The pounding of the sink

Up and down, up and down

I'm clean

Doors open

Doors close

The dryer is pried

A zip of the zipper

The clank of the belt

I'm dressed

A few generic greetings

'Good morning'

'Good morning'

A flip of the paper

A swig of the glass

I'm out

The skid of my feet on concrete

The clack of the car door

A turn of the key

And a blare of the music

A rev of the engine

The roll of the tires

Damn, I'm late

Montana?

So, at least I'm trying. At least I'm blogging again. It might not be very frequent but hey, I'm a very busy man. Not really actually. My afternoons are full of ESPN, playing football with Sean and Paul and thoughts, key word thoughts, about doing my homework. So, I guess I could write more.

Just like this past summer, I here the road calling my name again. This time, there are a few more possey members. Actually, they're all coming. Shortly after I finish mowing the Shay's lawn, I will hop in the car with three of my closest friends, Sean, Paul and Matt, and push for the North. Destination, Bozeman Montana.

I love Montana. I'm not really sure why. It's slow there. Not bad slow, but a calming slow. A slow that reminds you that life doesn't have to be hectic. I get to take a break when I'm out there. Be in a new place. I get to leave school and whatever back home. That's always a wonderful feeling.

I'm exciting to see my brother. I don't know why I always have a good time when I go up to visit him. Maybe I like him because he's in Montana or maybe I like Montana because Montana has him. I don't know but I can't remember ever regretting going up there. I'm super stoked and can't stop thinking about it. I think it's essential to take a break and let God calm your heart and clear your mind. I think that it's important to do it alone, true, but I also think that fellowship with people close to you is important too.

Hope you have a good week end.

to Friday

I'm Creative Writing class. I'm not a big fan of it. We are critiquing each others work. I'm not a big fan of that. I just took a physics test last block and have a calculus test next. I'm not a big fan of those. I didn't eat breakfast and I'm feeling quite hungry. I'm not a big fan of this. Today is Friday. Huge fan.

Today is the day that all things troublesome are beckoned to be temporarily disposed of. Sharply at 12:35 today, my world shifts, for that instant represents liberation. Liberation from the duties that await me Monday through Friday. But toady, oh today, my worries melt and my passions are revealed. I know that today, it's okay to be whatever I want. There are no expectations. None, until Monday, when the eternal cycle of Monday through Friday begins again. And then I will wait for Friday.

So here's to it; here's to Friday, here's to the agony of the week already over with and to the agony awaiting us next week. But most of all, here's to you and I enjoying our Friday.

Shady's back..back agian

Wow...I'm writing a post. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm trying to get back into the gist of things. School has been on for three weeks and I'm now just getting the hang of it again. Maybe that's a bad thing. I mean, this whole summer I went out and just experienced life. Every opportunity I got to go and do something, I did. I didn't let myself get into a routine. And I think that I learned a lot from that. My teachers are beginning to tell me that I need to start planning for my future because without planning it now, it will never become anything good. I disagree because how can we know what we are suppose to for our lives now. I didn't know what I was doing the next week, even next day my whole summer and I experienced everything to the fullest. I wasn't ever looking forward, worrying about what's next and that lead me to live in the now. And I think that because of that I was able to listen to God more clearly. My life wasn't cluttered with the future or routine or planning, It was just the now, the here. I don't want to waste away my senior year in high school, a huge year full of opportunities, trying to figure out what my life is going to look like next year. So, I'm not. I'm going to live here and now, and trust that my life will be just as exciting next year.

I'm not really sure who still reads my blog. Maybe my brother, my proverbial brother and a few others on occasion. It makes me wonder if I should even start blogging again. But then I got this funny feeling that maybe I should get a Mysapce, and realized how much I actually hate them and need to start blogging again so that I don't fall into the dreaded hell hole that is Myspace. That's probably a little over done, but You get what I'm trying to say now, right?

i miss my bed

I think that I have only slept in my own bed about eleven times so far this summer. The count isn't suppose to get to much higher in the near future either. I've gone to New Zealand for two weeks, backpacking for a few days, to Mississippi for ten days and tomorrow I'm going to Portland, Oregon for another ten days. It's a glorious thing.

I gave it some thought. I spend so much time at home during the school year, that I really don't want to during the summer. So I planned trip after trip, trying to not be at home as much as I can. Not that home is boring or anything, oh wait yeah it is.

I'm going to be a senior next year. The thought of being eighteen, nearly out of the house and going to college soon, kind of really freaks me out. It made me start thinking about my childhood. I just hope that I didn't miss anything. I hope that I got all that I could fit into these years and it really does scare me that I may not have. I'm starting to realize that high school is almost over. The time in my life that I thought would last forever, didn't seem that long.

Though I can tell you one thing. I can't even begin to describe the gratitude I have for the friends who are in my life. The blessings that all of them have given me are enormous and have made me into who I am today. They're the reason that I don't want high school to be over with. They're the reason why I hope I didn't miss out on anything during my high school years. Have you ever had on of those serenity moments. When all your friends are together, laughing, enjoying each others company. Rob Bell describes it well when he says that in those moments, it seems that no matter what happens to you, or what will happen to you, everything will be alright. It's a moment of sheer joy, and pure happiness. I love those moments, and its only with a close group of friends like mine that you can have those. I'm excited for what is out there for me. For what my future holds and for what God has to show me. I just don't want to get to caught up in the future. I want to enjoy now.

i suck at titling

I couldn't fall asleep last night for some reason. I was dead tired, but really excited because my bed was so comfortable and I hadn't slept in it for ten days. I think that excitement kept me awake. Any who, I wrote this poem while lying in my bed. I don't write a lot of poetry. Really only when I'm inspired but I really liked this one so I thought that I would share.

Oh yeah, and I don't really write down any of my poems. Actually, this will be the first. I usually just memorize them, until I'm write new ones. So I don't know how to really use stanzas or punctuation properly. Sorry about that.

Between the trees and the ground,
lies a heart that beats to the rhythm of a grown man,
driven to passion,
bypassing eloquence with standardized authenticity,
telling itself that its broken and it will break again,
and people will stand by in awe,
because you can't tell them why,

Near the edge lies a heart,
that beats to the pace of the wind,
blowing it to the left, to the right,
and to the left again,
fallow, unscathed,
it cuts with the grain,

In my mind there beats a heart,
Like the fire that rages inside of it,
faster and faster until it distorts,
into something miraculous,
something of design,
of purpose and truth,

I wish I held a heart like that,
yet mine lies under a tree near the edge,
until I have faith in it,
Like he does,
then it will beat again

i guess i forgot to title this one

I'm sitting right now. Tom Safilian is sitting right next to me. Chris Nicoletti is wandering right behind us. I'm in the Queenstown Lodge. It's like YMCA of the Rockies, but in Queenstown, New Zealand.

My legs are on fire. We went on a hike, well a little walk as they would say in the NZ, up to the Mueller Hut. It's a 400,000 dollar hut in a complete alpine mountain terrain. three feet of snow sorround it, avalanches sound in the distance and I lay in my sleeping bag in a tin hut. It's was pretty bomb. The best part was coming down--well for a while at least. Since the snow was so dense we, meaning Tom, Chris and I, were able to sprint down decently steep snow fields, without fear of injury.

Tom just reminded me that we are only going to be here for nine more days. Not enough, I tell you, not enough.

I'm on a time limit because I have to pay for the internet. Tom paid for it so you can thank him for this post. But nonetheless, I can't give proper explination of the trip becasue, well I could write about it for quite some time. So when I return to the States, God forbid the day, I will tell you all about it. Only if you want to hear.

God has taught me something on this trip. There's always something more important.

what is fire...

While sitting, memorized by our achievement, Paul, Matt and I enjoyed a behemoth fire during my last night in the states for two weeks. The question arose, "What is fire?"

My answer: "Maybe it's an energy wave that is visible to the human eye, like light waves. We can't see sound waves, gamma rays or such, but maybe we can see light waves and "fire waves"."

Paul's answer: "I don't know. I have more paper to burn."

Matt's answer: "Fire is the absence of no fire."

Indeed my good friend, indeed.

Oh and one more thing, why don't I get a June 6th. I feel jacked. I leave at 5:00 tuesday evening, and arrive in New Zealand at 8:00 thursday morning. What the hell happened to June 6th?

afternoon delight

I doesn't feel much different. Being out of school for the summer I mean. I came home after the last bell of my junior year, and took a nap. I'm boring. I slept for about two hours. Strait up just slept. Talk about some afternoon delight. Then I woke up, watched scrubs on Comedy Central and drank some ice tea. I don't plan on doing much for the rest of the day, I have to go drop off the Maxima at the repair shop, her clutch is toast. That's about it though. Man I love summer.



I leave for New Zealand in a few days. It hasn't hit me yet though. I think once I spend thirteen hours on a plane, then I'll realize that I'm going somewhere. I've always dreamed about New Zealand. I really have. I've seen pictures on Erik's and Chris's blog. I'm sure you have too. Though, a wise man once told me that it's not what you do, but who you do it with. I can't wait to see my brother. He really is a huge inspiration for me. I can remember when I was little, I would copy him and it drove him up the wall, but I hope he realizes that it's because, well, I think he's the man. Which he is. I can't wait to do some awesome things in New Zealand, but it's going to be so much awesomer-yep I said awesomer-it's going to be so much awesomer when I get to experience New Zealand with such great people. I can't wait to smile and laugh and remember such experiences for the rest of my life. I know that New Zealand will not just offer great things to do and see, but plentiful opportunities for me and those around me to grow closer together. All in all, I'm stoked.


That's it, I just wanted to let you know that It's officially summer for me, and I'm really excited to go to New Zealand.

8 hours of "Dog Problems"

B is for believing you'd always be there for me
E is for everything, even when we see it through
C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake
Which brings me to A, because, because you always run away

I never finish phrases I misspell
An open arm's a prison cell
When I said I hate what I've become
I lied, I hated who I was
So you start to wonder
About the pain in my throat
Then don't you ever, no never ever
Speak for someone you don't know

I had that song in my head for eight straight hours. I heard that writing it down helps get it out. It's called "Dog Problems" by the Format. Their pretty great.

We just finished reading Of Mice and Men in English class yesterday. One girl said that it was too pessimistic. I say it's more realistic. Steinbeck maybe a pessimist, but the world we live can be filled with terrible things, so I support Steinbeck's ending. It's real, that's what makes it believable. I think people want a story that makes them feel that no matter what, everything will be alright. I hope they know that's not true.

Sometimes things just suck. Sometimes things happen that your not okay with. It's easy to get mad. To feel sorry for your self and blame it on someone else. And in certain situations, I think that person you blame, can very easily be God. "If God loved me so much, why did he stop this from happening?" And you turn you back because there is no answer. There simply isn't. Your not okay with people dying too young, or innocent people becoming victims of rape or murder. Your not okay with it and neither am I. Life sucks sometimes.

I'm glad I'm not a pastor, or youth leader or something like that. I couldn't handle the pressure of coming up with the answer when someone comes in who has been affected by something terrible. As they cry in utter confusion, shock and frustration, I couldn't imagine telling them "Well, God says something good will always come out everything" and that "new doors can be opened". I'm not going to lie. New doors may be opened, but the one that was just closed meant too much to them. And for that, they turn on God and ask why. They ask "what the hell?". And I can't blame them for that.

I'm not a very knowledgeable man about the Bible. I read it, I interpret what I can, but that doesn't mean I know what the Bible says on everything. I can only repeat what I have heard from others and include my own remarks. With that, I don't think that God gives us an answer to "what the hell?". I don't think the Bible gives us a authentic reason for terrible things in the world. We can only say what can become of this. We can only hope for the best. But I do think that God--no matter what it looks like--I think that God isn't okay with it either. The only one that cares more about the ones you love than yourself, is God. He sees terrible things in this world and cries harder then you could imagine. He sees your sister, your brother die, and he's crying with you. He sees a women become a victim of rape, and cries every time she remembers that day. He's not okay with it either. He doesn't want it to happen. He didn't want us to ignore him in the beginning. He doesn't want to be separated from us. He doesn't want us to be hurt. He doesn't want life to suck, but sometimes it does. Sometimes life isn't fair, and God isn't a big fan of that.

If God did give us a reason, if he told you why these things happen, would that make you more okay with it. Would you understand why even? He might be able to tell you, but you probably can't understand what he just said. Your not okay with it, and you probably never will be and that's fine. That's a good thing actually, but don't forget that God can make things happen. When we stop asking why, and start asking what next, is when we grow and heal. We learn mature and move closer to God in leaps and bounds. The time it takes you to overcome the question of why isn't the important part. The important part is that you do it.

I'm going to cry when something sucky happens to me. I'm going to be shocked and frustrated and probably pretty angry with God. And God isn't going to feel much different about the situation. But when something does happen, I hope that I can pray for comfort instead of understanding. I hope that I can pray for faith instead of answers. Because faith is letting go, not holding on. If I let go, and trust God to steer my life into growth and healing, then that's when my world turns from pessimistic to optimistic. That's when I can read the stories that make me feel like everything will be alright. Maybe Of Mice and Men would of ended different in that kind of world.

Thanks for listening to the words of a seventeen year old. Their not profound, but they help me to create new ideas, and in turn, grow in my faith. I hope my words can be just one brick in the the brick wall.

top twenty beer comsuming countries

Don't ask how I came upon this information. Just, please, enjoy some of life's simple pleasures. It at least made me chuckle.

The number following the country is the number of liters per year that that country consumes. It doesn't take into consideration population. Correction-does take into consideration population. I'm so silly.

rank-country-L/yr
1. Czech Republic 156.9
2. Republic of Ireland 131.1
3. Germany 115.8
4. Australia 109.9
5. Austria 108.3
6. United Kingdom 99.0
7. Belgium 93.0
8. Denmark 89.9
9. Finland 85.0
10. Luxembourg 84.4
11. Slovakia 84.1
12. Spain 83.8
13. United States 81.6
14. Croatia 81.2
15. Netherlands 79.0
16. New Zealand 77.0
17. Hungary 75.3
18. Poland 69.1
19. Canada 68.3
20. Portugal 59.6

Slightly disappointed at the number one spot. Ireland let me down a little. Wait a tick, I thought that Luxembourg was a city. United States squeaked passed Croatia at #13. God bless America. Nice to see that New Zealand, where my brother currently resides, has found its way to #16. Well done NZ. Never would have guessed that our red neck neighbors to the north would have been so low on the count, aye. Has anyone ever seen Strange Brew?

AgNO3+skin→brown stain

I have a large stain on my middle finger. It's brown. It's splotchy. It won't go away. The D-Mar (aka Dr. Martyr) says that it will take ten to fourteen days for it to come out. It's actually silver nitrate , AgNO3, that has reacted with sunlight to create a brownish-purplish-blackish-grayish color. The same chemical is used in black and white photography film.

I'm not sure why I told you about that. I was looking at my hands, resting gently on the keyboard, trying to think of a profound thing to post when I saw the stain glaring at me. I look like a preschooler who just learned how to use a marker, and didn't use it so successfully. People give me the stink eye when they see my stain. It hurts my feelings. I wish I could yell at them, "I know...I have a large brown stain on my finger and it makes me look ridiculous! But rest assured, it is only silver nitrate that I spilled on my finger during Chemistry and it will vanish within two weeks!" But then I would look more ridiculous then before.

So here's my far out connection. Tattoo's are like stains. It's true. They are splotchy, brown stains that won't go away...ever. Yet, as before, tattoo's are given a bad rap. I have a brown stain from chemistry class. That's all. Not because I'm deficient at using a marker. I want a tattoo. If I got one, it would be because I want to begin to start to define who I am. I want to have a sense of self identification. Though, some people, who have authority over most of my decisions, see it otherwise. They say that it's ridiculous to put ink in your skin. My brown stain, as Dr. Martyr put it, is a "badge of great courage". A tattoo, to me, is a badge, a symbol, almost like a scar that I give myself to identify who I am as a person.

That wasn't profound, I know. Give me a break, I'm only seventeen. I had to say what I had to say. I'll leave the profound words up to those who can write them.

ranting...there's nothing better to do

I regret to inform you that I, Ryan John Haagenson, was completely incorrect. It's hard for me to admit it, yet, after an email I received from Chipotle, I found out that the recipe for the chicken at Chipotle hasn't changed. Only the prices. I hope that you will continue to enjoy Chipotle burritos as you always have. (and I'm sure you didn't need my advice on that one, you probably have been eating Chipotle like you always have)

I have to ride in a bus today. I'm going to Colorado Springs. I plan to do homework on the way, but if you know me, you know that I really do get quite car sick if I try to do something while riding in a car. I don't want to puke. My team--whom I'm riding down with, hence the whole bus thing, which, by the way, looks like a space ship--My team has a game scheduled. The first round of the State 5A playoffs; Cheyenne Mountain vs. Alexander Dawson. Our top three scorers aren't playing. One with a torn ACL, one with a torn ligament that holds your knee cap in place, and one who is...well...sick. We started the year with four captains, and now we are down to one. Ouch!

This game that we are suppose to have, though, is scheduled to be played in Colorado Springs, which is right int he middle of a snow storm and thunder storm. Here's my deal. I'm excited to play, but if I have to ride down there, suit up, warm up, hear the game is canceled, get back on the bus and drive back home, I am going to freak. And here's my thinking, Cheyenne Mountain wants us to do exactly that. Even if they knew our game was going to be canceled, they would still have us drive 2 hours to tell us so. That way, we as a team, are irritated, tired and not in the playoff mindset anymore. That would piss me off.

One other thing that pisses me off. The fact that this is my first post in over two weeks. I am a weak sister. Sorry if you actually were waiting on me to post. I don't think anyone really was though so it's not a big deal.

sometimes i want to cry

A letter to the head management of Chipotle-

It hurts. I went in on monday. I wanted my borrito and yes I do feel like I have the right to call it my borrito because when you eat it three times a week for years on end, you get the feeling of ownership. Chicken borrito, no beans and extra rice, corn salsa, cheese and a side of guacamole with a Arnold Palmer, half ice tea and half lemonade, with two lemons squeezed in.

But nonetheless, I was going through the line, ordering my borrito, this time without guacamole because I didn't have enough money. When I arrived at the end of my journey through the line, the cashier tells me 6.34$ at first it was simply uttter confusion. When I was told that the chicken borrito prices rose by 55 cents because it wasn't the normal, and impecably delicous chinken any more, my confusion turned into sheer outrage. I didn't turn on the chashier, they are very nice people. My favorite one is the short older lady who always smiles when I come. You should give her a raise because she knows my order without me telling her. But no I didn't turn on them, I didn't turn on the manager because I knew. I knew it wasn't thier fault. It wasn't thier choice. No David, Dawn and Joe decided something. They took thier chiikcen out of the line; the backbone of the meats, the heart of thier armada on the line, the reason I go to Chipotle and not to Qudoba or any other borrito place. Oh, trust me, I have choices. Qudoba, Santiago's, Illegal pete's and the quite miraculous...Big City Borrito. But no, I go to Chipotle. My dietary needs involved Chipotle. Yet now, I'm not sure.

Two main things bother me. The chicken, which I'm assuming to be one of the top two selling meat tiems at chipotle, was taken of the line. Retired for an unreleased amount of time. It was replaced by a new "Marinated Chicken" and personally...I'm not a big fan. I'm sure many people think that it is delicous. I trust that you guys have reason for the switch. But please, for the long time fan who makes 40 dollars a week and spends close to half of it on Chipotle, let me have my original chicken borrito. Give the customer the choice.

"I would like a chicken borrito," says the customer.
"Marinated or Original," says the line worker.

It's real simple. And I think alot of people would appriciate it. Oh, and for the other main thing that bugs me, well that i have to pay above six dollars. Please, I'm okay with a price raise. I understand completley. But you took away what I loved about Chipotle, relaced it with something not as good and want to charge me 55 cents more becasue it's "marinated". If I could still give the chashier a five and a one and be able to imidiateley turn for the drinks, I would be less frustrated. But now I have to give seven, and receive a hunk of chagne back, that I dont' know what to do with.

From a huge fan. Honestly I have gone out of my way many times to make sure that I have Chipotle and not a Qudoba or wherever. I have gotten in intense arguments about witch place is better and I have always sided with Chipotle. I am a Chipotle lover. So from me to you, personally, bring back the original chicken and if or when you do, let it be under six dollars. It's a reasonable price. We both can agree.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I honestly appreciate it very much.

-Ryan Haagenson

If you feel the same as I, and I know you do. Please go to www.chipotle.com, go to thier "speak" section, and tell them what you think. They promise that they will personally respond. Let the Original Ckicken movement begin.

something else?

I hear the summer afternoons, full of boards on wheels, Frisbees in the air and trips through the backcountry, calling my name already. It’s rough, you know? I have the ACT testing in a week, a Chemistry midterm to study for and a ten page paper to write for English class detailing on how the 60’s affected Kurt Vonnegut’s writing style in the book Slaughter House Five. Yet, all I can think about is six weeks left…six weeks left…six weeks left.

Everyone told me that your junior year will be the hardest to get through. I am only a testimony to that statement. Each day that goes by, reminds me how much closer I am getting to summer. I feel my motivation draining as we speak. My inspiration…depleting. My will power…going, going…gone. Abracadabra…poof. Now you see me, now you don’t. You get the picture.

I heard a question the other day. If you had your financial situation secure for the rest of your life, what would you do? What you answer would be what you should pursue in college and for a career. I have a problem though. I would just play my guitar, go backpacking, ski and really just do what ever I do besides school. I’m not sure how to pursue any of that and if I did, I really don’t think that I could live off of what salary I receive. Bummer.

I’m coming to an epiphany. Really I am. I feel it coming at my like a train in the night. Hopefully Amos Lee is on board and we can ride home together. I’ll pass on the cocaine though, and really I don’t like coffee either. Sorry if you didn’t get that joke. I have to decide though. Is school something that I need to put my heart into? Everyone tells me so, but some of the biggest mistakes that people make are made because everyone was telling them that it was the right thing. I can do well at school. Very well, if I want to. But honestly, so can anybody. Just because I can succeed in mathematics and science, does that mean I should? I can also mow lawns real well. Maybe I should be a landscaper? I heard they make good money.

I know it’s slightly ridiculous that I’m questioning whether school is right for me or not. Of course I’m going to go to college. I’m going to have a career someday, but I don’t know if math or science is where my heart is. I don’t know if getting my masters degree has a real value to me. I don’t know if taking all of these AP classes will benefit me in the future. What value are they anyway? I will forget most of what I learned in them soon. In the future, when I’m trying to teach my kids how to ride a bike, or throw a Frisbee, or when I’m somewhere on the other side of the world on a mission trip building a house, or when 60 years old and pondering on the thought of writing a book, I’m real sure that Calculus won’t help. Physics, not really a huge help. I know that just the fact that I went through such rigorous situations will help my character to grow and develop. But still...I’d rather do something else. Yeah, something else. Is that a career choice?

Myspace...cough cough...lame

To be quite frank with you, more people then I thought read my blog. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing. I hope that my writing doesn't suck. If it does, just let me know and I'll start to try harder. I just want to say thanks for supporting me. I didn't really know what I was going to do with this blog, and honestly I don't know what I've done with it. It's just...well you see the thing is...what I'm trying to say is...I'm not sure.

My goal for this post is to be as random as possible and still have a main focus. How am I doing so far? I don't' think that I'm going to capitalize my i's anymore. Microsoft does it for me and Blogspot doesn't and that annoys me. So take this... i am rebellious.

i've tried to get my friends to get blogs. i said that Myspace was overrated and they should turn to the good side. But really, Blogging is so far into a new and better league than Myspace, they aren't really comparable. Blogs allow one to express oneself in creative, honest and interesting ways. Mysapce is so lame. Really, really lame.

i have some crazy ideas up my sleeve for the future of this blog. i don't think you really care, but maybe you will be when i show you. i can't tell you yet because, well i haven't decided if it would be nifty or not. That's right i used the word nifty. What are you going to do about it?

So there. This blog was better huh? Shorter at least. Easier to read too. Thanks again. See you on the flip side.

this one is shorter, i promise

I feel that, even though fairly well written with developed ideas and organization, my last post exceeded the length that most posts should. At least on a high schooler's blog. So what I was in dire need of saying today in this post, I will attempt to say in as few words as needed.

We lost. Twice. We lost in a pathetic way too. One team blew us out 11-1, and the other game, well that one still hurts to much to talk about. On top of that, we lost three of our starters, two of which are our captions and one of which was our lead scorer, Hank. Hank tore his ACL strait trough and is out of athletics for six months. Yesterday was our first practice without him, and everything has changed. I feel like our team is very vulnerable right now. I mean our leader, the guy who got us going, pretty much the guy we played for, is sidelined and that takes a toll on the moral of the team. I'm not sure how we will bounce back from this. Thankfully we play steamboat springs next, and they pretty well suck. Its true, history says so.

It's hard to loose a leader. I never really had a relationship with Hank. I never really talked to him except calling for the ball on the field once in a while, but honestly, my heart sinks at the sight of him hobbling around on crutches. I miss him. I miss his words in the huddle. I miss the way he could find a way to put the ball in the net when no one else could. I hope the whole team feels that way so that together, we can fill the void of Hank's absence and still be the team that we always have been. You know, in 2002, there was a man named Drew Bledsoe. He hurt himself and was out for the season. He couldn't lead his Patriots anymore. Everyone wrote of that team as ruined and yet, a man named Tom Brady stepped up to the plate and was the MVP of the Superbowl. If you don't like that metaphor here's another more resent one. We, Dawson, are down to our last three hundred men. We were a massive army until fate tore us apart and now we stand at our last 300. That's a reference to the movie 300, if you didn't catch that.

Crap. I tried. I truly did. This post was going to be short. I had it set in my head. But here we are, a couple scrolls down, and its still the same post. My fault. I let you down. (really I wanted to right more too) But there's always next time I guess.

sometimes you just have to say hell yeah

I'm back from Florida. I'm tired from flying, the altitude is going to work on my lungs, and dry heat is absorbing my energy. Ah, home sweet home. I saw plenty of warm weather down there. I left Colorado the day before a snow storm hit and returned the day after the snow melted. I guess that's lucky. Along with the sunny 70 degree weather, I got some bruises as promised. A real nasty one on my left shoulder. Its splotchy and seven different colors if that helps you to visualize. But as for the long beaches, well...I'll just say I had sand in between my toes when I hadn't planned on it.

I don't know if you have ever seen a lacrosse field. I don't know if you know what an actual game looks like. So, in effort to ensure that I have the correct background knowledge presented for my reader, here goes a short, informational summary of a lacrosse game. In the beginning of each quarter and and after each goal, there is a face off. This occurs at the center of the field where two players meet to fight over a ground ball. Quickly after the clock starts, two more players from each team join the scrum for the ball. Once one player obtains possession, all the players are aloud to fight for the ball assuming the player who originally obtained possession, lost possession. (That happens quite frequently) After the ball is in one team's control, they proceed to move the ball, by either passing it or running it, near the other teams goal. In front of the goal is where the action mostly happens. It is where players are setting picks, cutting, checking, tripping, driving and bouncing the shots from. All of this being a large, team effort to take the ball and put in the the other teams goal or to take the ball away from the other team and move down to the other side of the field. So the gist that I'm trying to get across is the the center of the field, where the face off occurs, and directly in front of each goal is where most of the action happens and therefore that is where the field takes the most beating.

The field that our team had the great pleasure of playing on, could be considered a beach in broader terms. In these certain areas that have been mentioned before, the ground was sand. Coarse, refined beach sand. It was terrible, miserable and almost disrespectful. Only an eyes view away are top of the line baseball fields that have stadium seating while our lacrosse fields are behind the cafeteria with a fence as one end line, and a telephone pole in the corner of the other end line. Moreover, the facility somehow thought to only have two trainers when there are easily more then ten athletic teams present at one time. That's probably around 150-200 players. That's a 1-100 ratio, trainers to players. And the worst part was, both the trainers where home sick for the week. (sick...wink wink) And lastly, lets just say their "All Star Cafe", wasn't so all star with their broken chairs, unrecognizable food and lack of air conditioning.

But coming back to the title of this blog, honestly, sometimes you just have to say hell yes. I spoke of the teams way above our level in an earlier blog. And don't get me wrong they were great teams. I just didn't know that our teams level of play could be so high. After considerably defeating the team from Penn. 10-5, our team went on to beat the defending state champions of Georgia, Lassiter, 11-8. Hell Yeah! There isn't a feeling quite like the feeling one gets when you here the buzzer sound in an almost glorious fashion and you and your team mates, no, your brethren take the field in a triumphant huddle after coming our victorious in an epic battle. I was, and still am, ecstatic about the win. It made a statement and I know that teams around the league back here in Colorado are starting to wonder who Dawson really is. Oh, and to top it all of, I got the game ball from the captains but really, everyone on the team pushed themselves and each other to win that game.

warm weather, long beaches and a bruised body

Right now, I honestly should be working vigorously at my Pre Calculus homework, full of parametric equations, yet I find myself compelled to write. Sometimes one just gets in the creative mood and x's and y's don't romance the heart's desire. Plus, I read over my previous posts and quite frankly, I think that they are sub par. So, in efforts to reverse the direction of this blog, I will attempt to write the best blog yet to be conceived on Halls of my High School.

On the 28th, I leave. I meet at the AirTran check-in, at the Denver International Airport. I am supposed to arrive sharply at 3:30, but our flight leaves hours later. I don't really understand that, but that's okay. The flight will hopefully be accommodated with complimentary mixed nuts, movie showing and air conditioning but seeing as how I have never heard of the airline, I'm not setting my hopes too high. Around 12:35 in the morning on the 29th, I will arrive in Orlando, Florida, jump into a van, drive to Cocoa Beach, which is one hour outside of Orlando, check-in to a hotel, sleep for 6 hours, wake up and go play lacrosse. Then, a few hours after playing lacrosse, I'm going to go play more lacrosse. Later that night, but not too much later, we (my lacrosse team if you hadn't figured that one out yet) have a game to play under the lights against Penn. Thurst, the number five team in all of Pennsylvania. Two days later, after many more lacrosse practices, an early morning team run on the beach and probably some sleepless nights, we have another game under the lights. This one is against the number one team in all of Georgia, Lassitier. Crap...even their name sounds intimidating. I don't plan on winning. I just hope to hold our own and see what our team can do. I just hope I don't get too many bruises.

But have no fear. There will never be a trip made by thirty high school kids to Florida without a whole heck of a lot of beach time. The last day at Cocoa Beach, after the bountiful lacrosse practices, early morning team runs on the beach, and games played against teams way above our level, we will be allowed to relax and enjoy some warm weather on a long beach. I can't wait to feel the sand in between my toes, hear the roar of the ocean as wave after wave barrel their way onto the beach and see the endless horizon that the majestic Atlantic Ocean has to offer.

I have a horrified excitement rushing through my veins. I can't wait to be in warm Florida. Yet I'm terrified of the 250 pound guy with a six foot pole and a Lassitier jersey on who is waiting for me their. Wish me luck. Wish my team luck. I'll try to score a goal for everyone of you. Peace be the journey to you my brother!

one in blood, but two in Christ

I have two brothers who are in New Zealand right now. Besides their blog and few emails, oh yeah and one early morning call to one of them, I haven't been able to talk to them very much. That's a hard thing. Sure one of them isn't my actual brother, but that doesn't mean that I don't look at him that way. I look up to both of them and see something that I strive for in them. They have an amazingly deep relationship with Christ and I love to see that in them. The way they, whole hearted, chase after God in everything they do is just an awesome attribute that makes me love them even more.

Well, Really the only reason I wrote this blog was to remind them that I love them, miss them and still praying for them. I can't wait to see them again and hear their stories about their adventures in New Zealand.

Oh yeah, and I wanted to let them know that I one step closer to coming out there in June. Love you guys.

do you floss...no...me either

I recently heard someone say that if it's not worth it in the end, then it's probably not worth doing. This got me to think. I soon realized the immense amount of wisdom in the saying. If you don't think that what you are doing is making a difference, then why do it at all. If the final reward, the ultimate prize doesn't tickle your fancy, then you wasted your time. I know that this idea seems obvious, and pretty well elementary and I'm quite certain that it doesn't take much to wrap your mind our it, but I hope that you don't get caught up in an arrogant tone about it. Step back and consider it. Trust me, it will be worth your time.

So then...here is a list that I have compiled, detailing on the things that I will not do any more, or at least not as often.
1.I floss, but really my teeth don't seem all that much cleaner.
2.I make my bed, but I don't sleep any better.
3.I use a towel more then once, but I don't know if were really saving that much energy.
4.I try to go to bed at an early hour, but going to bed doesn't mean I go to sleep.
5.I wipe my...just kidding.

It may be different for you. Honestly, I hope you have a different list. Why? Because you're a different person with different values and that is a beautiful thing.

But what if I were to take this idea and apply to something bigger. Not just petty, daily life things. What if I viewed my relationship with God through this idea. What would it look like. Honestly, frequently I find myself reading the bible or praying and my heart is no where to be found. My heart fell asleep a long time ago. I don't mean what I say or think. It becomes an obligation instead of a passion. It becomes something that, in the end, doesn't change a thing. I'm not trying to say maybe I shouldn't pray or read the bible anymore, no. But what I do think is that it is better to sit and try to regain the focus of your heart and mind, instead of push on without them. Make your time worth while. Make it so that in the end, all that you can say is wow. When you bring your heart, God will press his thumb into it and leave his fingerprint, and all you have to say is wow. And that is a beautiful thing.

It's not worth it to floss, if your teeth aren't any cleaner. It's not worth it to make your bed if it doesn't help you to sleep. It's not worth it to be in a relationship with God, if your heart isn't their to be changed.

politics are for grown ups

When I looked up the word politics, I found very vague and dissatisfying meanings. "The science or art of political government" or "The practice or profession of conducting political affairs." Oh so that's what it means. I get it now...(pause)...NOT! Right under these meanings came meanings like,"To take advantage of political issue or situation." Now you're getting warmer but the fact that your using the word to define itself, creates a hallow sense of definition. Yet, pulling from this what I could, I came to the final definition of "the act of talking about or expressing your ideas about the current government or the effort made to achieve an office in that government." Essentially, arguments, complaints and false hopes concerning our government.

My dad, no matter how he tries to disguise it, enjoys politics. I don't blame him because most people do. Not many people will back down from an argument just for the sake of they don't want to argue. No, if they truly feel that they are right they will argue their point until it's dead and dry. My dad, falls under this category. I usually fall under this category. Like I say, "There are three things that Haagenson's do real well, ski, drive go karts and be right." I say this sarcastically of course and try to make fun of the fact that most people see being right as something as simple as skiing or driving go karts. It's just something that is apart of their daily life. When we always think we're right, then arguments are sure to follow. And no, they don't always end in one side realizing their mistakes yet in a form of a "agree to disagree" census. So I think I'm right, you think your right, lets do politics. Hopefully my dad will chime in.

So here's my point. I'll try to make it as obvious as possible. If everyone thinks that they are right and are willing for fight vigorously for that, and most arguments don't end in "Oh, of course. I'm sorry. You're right." then why do politics? Why fight a fight that we probably won't win; a fight that will probably just leave us frustrated and holding grudges. Honestly, no one likes a grudge holder. My guess is that my dad has an answer for that question so I simply say...politics are for grown ups.

expectations suck

I'm not really a blogger, per say. I just enjoy to write from time to time. I don't have great insight on controversial topics; no profound opinions on questions of our day. I'm just a kid. I dislike English Class a lot. a whole lot. Yet, in despite of that, I find something to be satisfying when I write. So i decided to create a blog where I can hon my skills because English Class doesn't really do the trick for me.
Expectations ruin relationship. They have time and time again. And since I view this blog as a sort of relationship, and one that I would like to have not fail, I've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is to not have expectations. I don't expect many people to read this blog. I don't expect any comments back. I really don't expect anyone to always understand what I'm trying to say. In the same fashion, I hope you, the reader, don't expect much in return. I'm not going to have ridiculously awesome blogs. There probably won't be much that you can take out of most of my blogs. And most certainly, I hope you don't expect me to post in a timely manor. Due dates aren't really my thing.
So take out of this what you can. I will do the same. We won't expect anything, and our experience together should be a pretty good one.