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Yesterday, as I sat at my computer reading the comments on my most recent blog, I had a crystallizing moment. I had an opportunity to post a blog that, honestly, I was terrified to post. I wrote it, and rewrote it, talked to some people on whether or not I should post it, and eventually I did. It's not all that I have inside of my head, but it's a large portion of my recurring thoughts. At least, the ones I've had lately. I realized, when Fisher brought it to my attention, that I most definitely do have a understanding audience. One that I love to write to. I did take a risk. My mind was set that I was probably going to pretty much ripped to pieces in the comments left. It thought that I had missed something obvious and, through the lacking ability of text to convey emotion and attitude, I thought that someone was going to harshly bring it to my attention. No such occurrence. It's more then comforting.

I'm loved. I don't always feel like it. Though, not many people have the opportunity to do what I was able to do. I have friends and family that need me and they consistently show that. I want to thank you all for that.

As for my struggles with affection and what not, they're not over. I don't know how long that will take if it ever happens. I think that it's a strong possibility that this strive for affection is just something to redirect me towards God, but that makes things hard for me. I've never been one who easily can take the fix. I can't pursue the how, without the why. Rob Bell said it all in Velvet Elvis. The why questions need to be answered. I can't simply tell myself that I need to turn towards God for affection. I know, it sounds like the simple answer but I can't take it. Call me a stubborn bastard, I've only learned from the best (you know who you are).

I will wrestle my heart out with God. I will question and challenge everything that I can think of. I don't plan on any victories, but I have to do it. It's the best way for me to engage myself with God. In my everyday life, I question everything. Example: My teachers. Mr. Zander, well, he's not the fondest of me (sorry Erik if that disappoints you). He told me that I had to do my homework consistently to be a good student and if I will ever have a chance to make it to college. Whether that's true or not I'm not arguing. Though, he took out all personal value and that I can't tolerate. I know how to be a good student, I'm not an idiot. I need a why. Why is homework a key part of being a good student, why will I not have a chance to get to college without doing my homework, if I do so well on every test then why is the homework important? Is it about the journey or the end point? Then I have to ask, how do I value my time? Is homework worth my time, in my view? I've always wanted to ask the why, because until those questions are answered, you don't know what how questions even need to be answered.

I love the fact that I challenge everything. I wouldn't be even close to the same person I am today. I don't think that chasing after the heart of God looks anything like simply turning to him. You've got to reach out, grab a hand full and hold on for the ride. Don't take anything easily. Then, God can show you what is important, not just tell you. So I'm bulking up for the ride. **I just flexed of my proverbial plilosophical guns** **sad thing is--there bigger then my real guns**

Now I'm late for Pork Chops. Ah...but is the time that I could have been spending eating Pork Chops worth giving up so that I can reflect on my current life? Depends, why do I even need Pork Chops in the first place?