buh-wah?

I'm hesitant to post this. I can see many of you reading it and just brushing it off as something that I'm simply blowing out of proportion. I hope you don't read into the details, they're just examples, but more into the whole idea.

I can't tell you how many times I lie in bed with my eyes open, hands on my fore head talking to no one. I can't tell you why I do either. I think that maybe it has something to do with my metabolism. I don't eat breakfast, and so I don't start my daily metabolism until 12:30, and that can be a shocker on the system. My body is trying to function on just two huge meals a day. So come around 10:00, I'm not tired because my body didn't really wake up until 12:30 or so. Get it? Never mind if you do or not, that's not he important part. The main idea of this paragraph, if you couldn't tell, is that I lie awake at night, talking to myself.


It's a strange state to be in, trust me. I can't lie, but I got to tell you that what I'm about to say is a little embarrassing. What I'm actually doing while laying there in my bed, is having fake conversations with people who aren't actually there. Almost rehearsal conversations. I don't know why, but I have these full on, dramatic and embellished conversations with someone, and the best part is that it always ends well for me; if it doesn't, I start it over so that it does. Oh, and if it goes really well and I actually want to have that conversation in life, I will sit there and practice it, over and over and over. It's a habit, it's a comfort, it's an addiction!


Somewhere in my life, I became a little socially awkward. The worst part was when I noticed it and started to make a big deal about it, only making it worse. Most of you that read this blog, hopefully haven't noticed because, well, I know you well enough not to be awkward around you. Yet, trust me when I say that I tense up when I'm around other people. I don't know why and I'm sure that a psychiatrist could tell me why, but I really don't care. I just am. There are some people who I just have a tuff time getting to know.


So from here, I think you have figured it out. Those people who I can tend to be awkward around, tend to be the people I "practice" having conversations with. (Man, I sound really lame right now)...(Do I really plan on posting this?)...(Buh-wah?)

I have great friends, a good father, a loving mother and probably the best brother that I could ask for. I'm blessed with those relationships. So anything I say is not in offense to them. It's just how I tend to feel.

I strongly believe that humans were meant for relationships. My brother once said "It's not what you do, but who you do it with." I think that's completely true. I would rather go through a proverbial hell with someone who I care about and who cares for me, then to be in paradise with someone who only comes off negative to me. Humans absolutely need relationships. They are the core of our life. Everything we do, we share with someone in a relationship. And inside that relationship is affection. Affection is crucial to our simple nature. If someone one tells you that they don't care what other's think of them, it's not true. Not at all. They do. They want affection from someone. They want someone to think positively about them. That affection inside our relationships is crucial.

In my life, I'm on a constant search for affection. From every relationship I have, I suck out as much as i can get because I strive off of relationships. I hope that you stuck with me this far because everything I have said is about to come together...hopefully.

Sometimes, I'll have a bad day, a bad week, a bad...you get the point. To try to get myself up and out of that hole, I start searching for affection from others. My friends, my brother, my mom and dad. Yet, sometimes, especially latley, I feel shorted. I still have that erge to feel loved; I have a need to feel needed.

So then, I look at other people outside of my closer relationships. I look at people who are, well, "better" than me, for lack of a better word. What I mean by better is people who I look at and see that they are lovable. They are someone who gets affection all the time. And how do I know that? I don't, I assume it off of thier looks, attitude and how other people act towards them. I begin to think that maybe, if I was to start a relationship with them, and they start to pour thier affection into me, it will be enough. I will be full of affection and things will go easier. "If thier so loved, then thier affection towards others is worth more, and if I get some of that, I'm set."

Then, I realize, that I get awkward around those kinds of people. I've got to be honest, Those people really are all girls. I suck at talking to and getting to know girls. It's not my fortey. When I get awkward around them, I feel worse about myself, and search for that affection even harder. I star to tell myself "I just need a girlfriend". Then I start looking at girls as potential dating partners completley for my benifit. I see in hind sight that looking at girls this way is completley wrong and only puts on more pressure, so I act more awkward, suck worse at getting to know anyone, feel even worse and look for more affection.

Then, when I get home and go to bed, I lay there thinking of a converstation with them. Trying to suply myself with false affection.

Now, I realize that I just tied in God's creation of humans into my "girl problems", but it's not about my girl problems. It's about the fact that I'm never satisfied with the relationships I have. I can't fill myself enough with affection. The worst part is, is when I try to turn to God for affection. It's the hardest thing because it's tuff to feel his presence in my everyday life. I blogged about earlier. I hope that you would agree that it can be hard to feel God's affection when your in your daily schedule. Though, when I go out and look at the stars, it's different, becasue I can feel God's presence, and I am instantly filled. But that's easier said then done.

I strive for affection in my relationships. Everyone does. And when I can't find enough, I start searching in all the wrong places. My "girl problems" is just a symtom of that. All I know is that I sometimes start to go downhill, losing any motivation that I have, when I don't feel needed. I have dating issues, I guess, and I sometimes think that dating shouldn't be that big of a worry for me. But when I'm in such need for affection, dating almost becomes a nessecity, and my struggles with it, becomes a bigger deal. You see, my blogging about girl problems isn't so pathetic anymore.

I could of worked harder on this post. My clearity might be a little rough and I might not have explained myself as much as I wanted to. That's how it goes, eh. I hope you read it and understand what I'm saying. Maybe you have something to say, and I hope you do, but please don't think that this is the extent of my thoughts on this. This post is the Happy Meal of my thoughts.