8 hours of "Dog Problems"

B is for believing you'd always be there for me
E is for everything, even when we see it through
C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake
Which brings me to A, because, because you always run away

I never finish phrases I misspell
An open arm's a prison cell
When I said I hate what I've become
I lied, I hated who I was
So you start to wonder
About the pain in my throat
Then don't you ever, no never ever
Speak for someone you don't know

I had that song in my head for eight straight hours. I heard that writing it down helps get it out. It's called "Dog Problems" by the Format. Their pretty great.

We just finished reading Of Mice and Men in English class yesterday. One girl said that it was too pessimistic. I say it's more realistic. Steinbeck maybe a pessimist, but the world we live can be filled with terrible things, so I support Steinbeck's ending. It's real, that's what makes it believable. I think people want a story that makes them feel that no matter what, everything will be alright. I hope they know that's not true.

Sometimes things just suck. Sometimes things happen that your not okay with. It's easy to get mad. To feel sorry for your self and blame it on someone else. And in certain situations, I think that person you blame, can very easily be God. "If God loved me so much, why did he stop this from happening?" And you turn you back because there is no answer. There simply isn't. Your not okay with people dying too young, or innocent people becoming victims of rape or murder. Your not okay with it and neither am I. Life sucks sometimes.

I'm glad I'm not a pastor, or youth leader or something like that. I couldn't handle the pressure of coming up with the answer when someone comes in who has been affected by something terrible. As they cry in utter confusion, shock and frustration, I couldn't imagine telling them "Well, God says something good will always come out everything" and that "new doors can be opened". I'm not going to lie. New doors may be opened, but the one that was just closed meant too much to them. And for that, they turn on God and ask why. They ask "what the hell?". And I can't blame them for that.

I'm not a very knowledgeable man about the Bible. I read it, I interpret what I can, but that doesn't mean I know what the Bible says on everything. I can only repeat what I have heard from others and include my own remarks. With that, I don't think that God gives us an answer to "what the hell?". I don't think the Bible gives us a authentic reason for terrible things in the world. We can only say what can become of this. We can only hope for the best. But I do think that God--no matter what it looks like--I think that God isn't okay with it either. The only one that cares more about the ones you love than yourself, is God. He sees terrible things in this world and cries harder then you could imagine. He sees your sister, your brother die, and he's crying with you. He sees a women become a victim of rape, and cries every time she remembers that day. He's not okay with it either. He doesn't want it to happen. He didn't want us to ignore him in the beginning. He doesn't want to be separated from us. He doesn't want us to be hurt. He doesn't want life to suck, but sometimes it does. Sometimes life isn't fair, and God isn't a big fan of that.

If God did give us a reason, if he told you why these things happen, would that make you more okay with it. Would you understand why even? He might be able to tell you, but you probably can't understand what he just said. Your not okay with it, and you probably never will be and that's fine. That's a good thing actually, but don't forget that God can make things happen. When we stop asking why, and start asking what next, is when we grow and heal. We learn mature and move closer to God in leaps and bounds. The time it takes you to overcome the question of why isn't the important part. The important part is that you do it.

I'm going to cry when something sucky happens to me. I'm going to be shocked and frustrated and probably pretty angry with God. And God isn't going to feel much different about the situation. But when something does happen, I hope that I can pray for comfort instead of understanding. I hope that I can pray for faith instead of answers. Because faith is letting go, not holding on. If I let go, and trust God to steer my life into growth and healing, then that's when my world turns from pessimistic to optimistic. That's when I can read the stories that make me feel like everything will be alright. Maybe Of Mice and Men would of ended different in that kind of world.

Thanks for listening to the words of a seventeen year old. Their not profound, but they help me to create new ideas, and in turn, grow in my faith. I hope my words can be just one brick in the the brick wall.