Yep, I did it. I changed the name of my blog. I had been thinking about this new name for a while, and instead of waiting until I graduate high school, making the former name inadequate, I just changed it now. Oh, and for the new look, I guess I just did it because I was bored.
As for what I've been thinking about this week, well, I been watching a lot of ESPN, and here's my deal, I HATE the Patriots. It may sound harsh, but I would be quite alright if Tom Brady tripped over his dog, fell down the stairs colliding with his coach Belichick, severely injuring both. Is that going too far? Can Tom Brady please smile and at least act like he's enjoying himself, because if he's not, please, retire. You're ruining it for the rest of us. And as for the racking up of the score, show some class. Show some respect for the game. I understand that you want to play hard for the whole game, but understand that playing in shotgun for the whole fourth quarter while up by thirty eight points is disrespectful. You've proved your point, your better than them, good job, now step off. All your doing is making yourselves look like jackasses. Eventually, someone is going to take it personally and take it out on Tom Brady. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. I'm looking for Bob Sanders this week end to take care of it. Take it easy, let off. I'm not saying to just take a knee every play, but run the ball, use up the clock and when it's fourth down, kick a field goal! Aghhhhhhhh!
Very frustrating.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
...
Yesterday, as I sat at my computer reading the comments on my most recent blog, I had a crystallizing moment. I had an opportunity to post a blog that, honestly, I was terrified to post. I wrote it, and rewrote it, talked to some people on whether or not I should post it, and eventually I did. It's not all that I have inside of my head, but it's a large portion of my recurring thoughts. At least, the ones I've had lately. I realized, when Fisher brought it to my attention, that I most definitely do have a understanding audience. One that I love to write to. I did take a risk. My mind was set that I was probably going to pretty much ripped to pieces in the comments left. It thought that I had missed something obvious and, through the lacking ability of text to convey emotion and attitude, I thought that someone was going to harshly bring it to my attention. No such occurrence. It's more then comforting.
I'm loved. I don't always feel like it. Though, not many people have the opportunity to do what I was able to do. I have friends and family that need me and they consistently show that. I want to thank you all for that.
As for my struggles with affection and what not, they're not over. I don't know how long that will take if it ever happens. I think that it's a strong possibility that this strive for affection is just something to redirect me towards God, but that makes things hard for me. I've never been one who easily can take the fix. I can't pursue the how, without the why. Rob Bell said it all in Velvet Elvis. The why questions need to be answered. I can't simply tell myself that I need to turn towards God for affection. I know, it sounds like the simple answer but I can't take it. Call me a stubborn bastard, I've only learned from the best (you know who you are).
I will wrestle my heart out with God. I will question and challenge everything that I can think of. I don't plan on any victories, but I have to do it. It's the best way for me to engage myself with God. In my everyday life, I question everything. Example: My teachers. Mr. Zander, well, he's not the fondest of me (sorry Erik if that disappoints you). He told me that I had to do my homework consistently to be a good student and if I will ever have a chance to make it to college. Whether that's true or not I'm not arguing. Though, he took out all personal value and that I can't tolerate. I know how to be a good student, I'm not an idiot. I need a why. Why is homework a key part of being a good student, why will I not have a chance to get to college without doing my homework, if I do so well on every test then why is the homework important? Is it about the journey or the end point? Then I have to ask, how do I value my time? Is homework worth my time, in my view? I've always wanted to ask the why, because until those questions are answered, you don't know what how questions even need to be answered.
I love the fact that I challenge everything. I wouldn't be even close to the same person I am today. I don't think that chasing after the heart of God looks anything like simply turning to him. You've got to reach out, grab a hand full and hold on for the ride. Don't take anything easily. Then, God can show you what is important, not just tell you. So I'm bulking up for the ride. **I just flexed of my proverbial plilosophical guns** **sad thing is--there bigger then my real guns**
Now I'm late for Pork Chops. Ah...but is the time that I could have been spending eating Pork Chops worth giving up so that I can reflect on my current life? Depends, why do I even need Pork Chops in the first place?
I'm loved. I don't always feel like it. Though, not many people have the opportunity to do what I was able to do. I have friends and family that need me and they consistently show that. I want to thank you all for that.
As for my struggles with affection and what not, they're not over. I don't know how long that will take if it ever happens. I think that it's a strong possibility that this strive for affection is just something to redirect me towards God, but that makes things hard for me. I've never been one who easily can take the fix. I can't pursue the how, without the why. Rob Bell said it all in Velvet Elvis. The why questions need to be answered. I can't simply tell myself that I need to turn towards God for affection. I know, it sounds like the simple answer but I can't take it. Call me a stubborn bastard, I've only learned from the best (you know who you are).
I will wrestle my heart out with God. I will question and challenge everything that I can think of. I don't plan on any victories, but I have to do it. It's the best way for me to engage myself with God. In my everyday life, I question everything. Example: My teachers. Mr. Zander, well, he's not the fondest of me (sorry Erik if that disappoints you). He told me that I had to do my homework consistently to be a good student and if I will ever have a chance to make it to college. Whether that's true or not I'm not arguing. Though, he took out all personal value and that I can't tolerate. I know how to be a good student, I'm not an idiot. I need a why. Why is homework a key part of being a good student, why will I not have a chance to get to college without doing my homework, if I do so well on every test then why is the homework important? Is it about the journey or the end point? Then I have to ask, how do I value my time? Is homework worth my time, in my view? I've always wanted to ask the why, because until those questions are answered, you don't know what how questions even need to be answered.
I love the fact that I challenge everything. I wouldn't be even close to the same person I am today. I don't think that chasing after the heart of God looks anything like simply turning to him. You've got to reach out, grab a hand full and hold on for the ride. Don't take anything easily. Then, God can show you what is important, not just tell you. So I'm bulking up for the ride. **I just flexed of my proverbial plilosophical guns** **sad thing is--there bigger then my real guns**
Now I'm late for Pork Chops. Ah...but is the time that I could have been spending eating Pork Chops worth giving up so that I can reflect on my current life? Depends, why do I even need Pork Chops in the first place?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
buh-wah?
I'm hesitant to post this. I can see many of you reading it and just brushing it off as something that I'm simply blowing out of proportion. I hope you don't read into the details, they're just examples, but more into the whole idea.
I can't tell you how many times I lie in bed with my eyes open, hands on my fore head talking to no one. I can't tell you why I do either. I think that maybe it has something to do with my metabolism. I don't eat breakfast, and so I don't start my daily metabolism until 12:30, and that can be a shocker on the system. My body is trying to function on just two huge meals a day. So come around 10:00, I'm not tired because my body didn't really wake up until 12:30 or so. Get it? Never mind if you do or not, that's not he important part. The main idea of this paragraph, if you couldn't tell, is that I lie awake at night, talking to myself.
It's a strange state to be in, trust me. I can't lie, but I got to tell you that what I'm about to say is a little embarrassing. What I'm actually doing while laying there in my bed, is having fake conversations with people who aren't actually there. Almost rehearsal conversations. I don't know why, but I have these full on, dramatic and embellished conversations with someone, and the best part is that it always ends well for me; if it doesn't, I start it over so that it does. Oh, and if it goes really well and I actually want to have that conversation in life, I will sit there and practice it, over and over and over. It's a habit, it's a comfort, it's an addiction!
Somewhere in my life, I became a little socially awkward. The worst part was when I noticed it and started to make a big deal about it, only making it worse. Most of you that read this blog, hopefully haven't noticed because, well, I know you well enough not to be awkward around you. Yet, trust me when I say that I tense up when I'm around other people. I don't know why and I'm sure that a psychiatrist could tell me why, but I really don't care. I just am. There are some people who I just have a tuff time getting to know.
So from here, I think you have figured it out. Those people who I can tend to be awkward around, tend to be the people I "practice" having conversations with. (Man, I sound really lame right now)...(Do I really plan on posting this?)...(Buh-wah?)
I have great friends, a good father, a loving mother and probably the best brother that I could ask for. I'm blessed with those relationships. So anything I say is not in offense to them. It's just how I tend to feel.
I strongly believe that humans were meant for relationships. My brother once said "It's not what you do, but who you do it with." I think that's completely true. I would rather go through a proverbial hell with someone who I care about and who cares for me, then to be in paradise with someone who only comes off negative to me. Humans absolutely need relationships. They are the core of our life. Everything we do, we share with someone in a relationship. And inside that relationship is affection. Affection is crucial to our simple nature. If someone one tells you that they don't care what other's think of them, it's not true. Not at all. They do. They want affection from someone. They want someone to think positively about them. That affection inside our relationships is crucial.
In my life, I'm on a constant search for affection. From every relationship I have, I suck out as much as i can get because I strive off of relationships. I hope that you stuck with me this far because everything I have said is about to come together...hopefully.
Sometimes, I'll have a bad day, a bad week, a bad...you get the point. To try to get myself up and out of that hole, I start searching for affection from others. My friends, my brother, my mom and dad. Yet, sometimes, especially latley, I feel shorted. I still have that erge to feel loved; I have a need to feel needed.
So then, I look at other people outside of my closer relationships. I look at people who are, well, "better" than me, for lack of a better word. What I mean by better is people who I look at and see that they are lovable. They are someone who gets affection all the time. And how do I know that? I don't, I assume it off of thier looks, attitude and how other people act towards them. I begin to think that maybe, if I was to start a relationship with them, and they start to pour thier affection into me, it will be enough. I will be full of affection and things will go easier. "If thier so loved, then thier affection towards others is worth more, and if I get some of that, I'm set."
Then, I realize, that I get awkward around those kinds of people. I've got to be honest, Those people really are all girls. I suck at talking to and getting to know girls. It's not my fortey. When I get awkward around them, I feel worse about myself, and search for that affection even harder. I star to tell myself "I just need a girlfriend". Then I start looking at girls as potential dating partners completley for my benifit. I see in hind sight that looking at girls this way is completley wrong and only puts on more pressure, so I act more awkward, suck worse at getting to know anyone, feel even worse and look for more affection.
Then, when I get home and go to bed, I lay there thinking of a converstation with them. Trying to suply myself with false affection.
Now, I realize that I just tied in God's creation of humans into my "girl problems", but it's not about my girl problems. It's about the fact that I'm never satisfied with the relationships I have. I can't fill myself enough with affection. The worst part is, is when I try to turn to God for affection. It's the hardest thing because it's tuff to feel his presence in my everyday life. I blogged about earlier. I hope that you would agree that it can be hard to feel God's affection when your in your daily schedule. Though, when I go out and look at the stars, it's different, becasue I can feel God's presence, and I am instantly filled. But that's easier said then done.
I strive for affection in my relationships. Everyone does. And when I can't find enough, I start searching in all the wrong places. My "girl problems" is just a symtom of that. All I know is that I sometimes start to go downhill, losing any motivation that I have, when I don't feel needed. I have dating issues, I guess, and I sometimes think that dating shouldn't be that big of a worry for me. But when I'm in such need for affection, dating almost becomes a nessecity, and my struggles with it, becomes a bigger deal. You see, my blogging about girl problems isn't so pathetic anymore.
I could of worked harder on this post. My clearity might be a little rough and I might not have explained myself as much as I wanted to. That's how it goes, eh. I hope you read it and understand what I'm saying. Maybe you have something to say, and I hope you do, but please don't think that this is the extent of my thoughts on this. This post is the Happy Meal of my thoughts.
I can't tell you how many times I lie in bed with my eyes open, hands on my fore head talking to no one. I can't tell you why I do either. I think that maybe it has something to do with my metabolism. I don't eat breakfast, and so I don't start my daily metabolism until 12:30, and that can be a shocker on the system. My body is trying to function on just two huge meals a day. So come around 10:00, I'm not tired because my body didn't really wake up until 12:30 or so. Get it? Never mind if you do or not, that's not he important part. The main idea of this paragraph, if you couldn't tell, is that I lie awake at night, talking to myself.
It's a strange state to be in, trust me. I can't lie, but I got to tell you that what I'm about to say is a little embarrassing. What I'm actually doing while laying there in my bed, is having fake conversations with people who aren't actually there. Almost rehearsal conversations. I don't know why, but I have these full on, dramatic and embellished conversations with someone, and the best part is that it always ends well for me; if it doesn't, I start it over so that it does. Oh, and if it goes really well and I actually want to have that conversation in life, I will sit there and practice it, over and over and over. It's a habit, it's a comfort, it's an addiction!
Somewhere in my life, I became a little socially awkward. The worst part was when I noticed it and started to make a big deal about it, only making it worse. Most of you that read this blog, hopefully haven't noticed because, well, I know you well enough not to be awkward around you. Yet, trust me when I say that I tense up when I'm around other people. I don't know why and I'm sure that a psychiatrist could tell me why, but I really don't care. I just am. There are some people who I just have a tuff time getting to know.
So from here, I think you have figured it out. Those people who I can tend to be awkward around, tend to be the people I "practice" having conversations with. (Man, I sound really lame right now)...(Do I really plan on posting this?)...(Buh-wah?)
I have great friends, a good father, a loving mother and probably the best brother that I could ask for. I'm blessed with those relationships. So anything I say is not in offense to them. It's just how I tend to feel.
I strongly believe that humans were meant for relationships. My brother once said "It's not what you do, but who you do it with." I think that's completely true. I would rather go through a proverbial hell with someone who I care about and who cares for me, then to be in paradise with someone who only comes off negative to me. Humans absolutely need relationships. They are the core of our life. Everything we do, we share with someone in a relationship. And inside that relationship is affection. Affection is crucial to our simple nature. If someone one tells you that they don't care what other's think of them, it's not true. Not at all. They do. They want affection from someone. They want someone to think positively about them. That affection inside our relationships is crucial.
In my life, I'm on a constant search for affection. From every relationship I have, I suck out as much as i can get because I strive off of relationships. I hope that you stuck with me this far because everything I have said is about to come together...hopefully.
Sometimes, I'll have a bad day, a bad week, a bad...you get the point. To try to get myself up and out of that hole, I start searching for affection from others. My friends, my brother, my mom and dad. Yet, sometimes, especially latley, I feel shorted. I still have that erge to feel loved; I have a need to feel needed.
So then, I look at other people outside of my closer relationships. I look at people who are, well, "better" than me, for lack of a better word. What I mean by better is people who I look at and see that they are lovable. They are someone who gets affection all the time. And how do I know that? I don't, I assume it off of thier looks, attitude and how other people act towards them. I begin to think that maybe, if I was to start a relationship with them, and they start to pour thier affection into me, it will be enough. I will be full of affection and things will go easier. "If thier so loved, then thier affection towards others is worth more, and if I get some of that, I'm set."
Then, I realize, that I get awkward around those kinds of people. I've got to be honest, Those people really are all girls. I suck at talking to and getting to know girls. It's not my fortey. When I get awkward around them, I feel worse about myself, and search for that affection even harder. I star to tell myself "I just need a girlfriend". Then I start looking at girls as potential dating partners completley for my benifit. I see in hind sight that looking at girls this way is completley wrong and only puts on more pressure, so I act more awkward, suck worse at getting to know anyone, feel even worse and look for more affection.
Then, when I get home and go to bed, I lay there thinking of a converstation with them. Trying to suply myself with false affection.
Now, I realize that I just tied in God's creation of humans into my "girl problems", but it's not about my girl problems. It's about the fact that I'm never satisfied with the relationships I have. I can't fill myself enough with affection. The worst part is, is when I try to turn to God for affection. It's the hardest thing because it's tuff to feel his presence in my everyday life. I blogged about earlier. I hope that you would agree that it can be hard to feel God's affection when your in your daily schedule. Though, when I go out and look at the stars, it's different, becasue I can feel God's presence, and I am instantly filled. But that's easier said then done.
I strive for affection in my relationships. Everyone does. And when I can't find enough, I start searching in all the wrong places. My "girl problems" is just a symtom of that. All I know is that I sometimes start to go downhill, losing any motivation that I have, when I don't feel needed. I have dating issues, I guess, and I sometimes think that dating shouldn't be that big of a worry for me. But when I'm in such need for affection, dating almost becomes a nessecity, and my struggles with it, becomes a bigger deal. You see, my blogging about girl problems isn't so pathetic anymore.
I could of worked harder on this post. My clearity might be a little rough and I might not have explained myself as much as I wanted to. That's how it goes, eh. I hope you read it and understand what I'm saying. Maybe you have something to say, and I hope you do, but please don't think that this is the extent of my thoughts on this. This post is the Happy Meal of my thoughts.
Friday, October 12, 2007
i think I said to much
At first, I wasn't so sure of the name Steel Train, sounds a little...generic, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Check out thier new CD, it's posted on thier myspace. They really are amazing musicians. I mean to hear that sound and to make it come to life like they do, it's inspiring. I'll just let the music talk for itself. Firecracker is an obvious favorite.
http://www.myspace.com/steeltrain
Oh yeah, and I get to attend thier concert on Monday...Join me, would you?
http://www.myspace.com/steeltrain
Oh yeah, and I get to attend thier concert on Monday...Join me, would you?
Monday, October 8, 2007
i've puked something better looking
My bet is that you don't want to hear about the Broncos. I just posted about them and I might sound a little obsessive but I have got to get this off my chest. They really do suck. It woudln't be too hard for them to be 0-5. We're lucky that we are 2-3.
Brandon Marshall told reporters yesterday that he thought that the Broncos fans aren't first class. That they shouldn't leave so early in the game just because they are loosing. He said that it's not right that the fans were booing the Broncos. Well, I've got news for you Brandon...You sucked too. Marshall fumbled in the second quarter inside the five. Man, you really have the right to tell me, a fan, that I'm not first class.
Get used to it. Denver, Colorado most of the US, is a feel good fan. They root for what ever is easy to root for. They just want to feel good about their team. It's pretty tuff to feel good about the Broncos right now. I don't know if you noticed, but football at Invesco Field at Mile High is no longer just Football, no. When you play there, you are now an entertainer. Ever since the new Stadium, it isn't about the Football game and sticking out anything that comes your way, always staying by your teams side. It's about have a good time. It's about enjoying yourself. There aren't any die hard fans anymore, well, not very many. You saw all 15,000 of them during the fourth quarter of the game. They are the only ones who stayed. You have to understand that the atmosphere at the new Invesco Field has turned Broncos Football into Broncos entertainment. It's nothing like the old mile high. Your right, there are no first class fans, because Invesco field isn't a first class football field. It's a first class entertainment extravaganza, and so that's what you get, first class idiots who just want to be entertained.
With that said, I just wanted to say something. I realized this week end how volatile my heart and hopes can be. Last week I was pretty sure that I was going to take a year off. Now, well I'm not so sure. It's still a very good chance because of cost issues with college, but I may go to school next year at the university of Oregon. I might have a chance to get the WUE scholarship and the Lacrosse coach will hopefully make a pull for me and I would have a good chance at other grants and scholarships as well. Now, my mind is set on being a Duck. I just wanted to point that out just to prove that I'm as uncertain about my future as I should be.
Brandon Marshall told reporters yesterday that he thought that the Broncos fans aren't first class. That they shouldn't leave so early in the game just because they are loosing. He said that it's not right that the fans were booing the Broncos. Well, I've got news for you Brandon...You sucked too. Marshall fumbled in the second quarter inside the five. Man, you really have the right to tell me, a fan, that I'm not first class.
Get used to it. Denver, Colorado most of the US, is a feel good fan. They root for what ever is easy to root for. They just want to feel good about their team. It's pretty tuff to feel good about the Broncos right now. I don't know if you noticed, but football at Invesco Field at Mile High is no longer just Football, no. When you play there, you are now an entertainer. Ever since the new Stadium, it isn't about the Football game and sticking out anything that comes your way, always staying by your teams side. It's about have a good time. It's about enjoying yourself. There aren't any die hard fans anymore, well, not very many. You saw all 15,000 of them during the fourth quarter of the game. They are the only ones who stayed. You have to understand that the atmosphere at the new Invesco Field has turned Broncos Football into Broncos entertainment. It's nothing like the old mile high. Your right, there are no first class fans, because Invesco field isn't a first class football field. It's a first class entertainment extravaganza, and so that's what you get, first class idiots who just want to be entertained.
With that said, I just wanted to say something. I realized this week end how volatile my heart and hopes can be. Last week I was pretty sure that I was going to take a year off. Now, well I'm not so sure. It's still a very good chance because of cost issues with college, but I may go to school next year at the university of Oregon. I might have a chance to get the WUE scholarship and the Lacrosse coach will hopefully make a pull for me and I would have a good chance at other grants and scholarships as well. Now, my mind is set on being a Duck. I just wanted to point that out just to prove that I'm as uncertain about my future as I should be.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
...and my hat's real low
Jay Cutler is the Jay-z of the NFL. With his helmet so low, he rocks the jay-z look. I think that's pretty sweet. Thought I would share that.
The Rockies just won their first game in the series. I'm actually going to say it. Go Rockies!?
I'm going to go work out here in a little bit. It'll be the first time...ever. I'm really lazy. I hope Paul doesn't make fun of me. I don't think I could lift a even half of what he does.
I just set a PR. 4 comments. Count 'em. My last post got the most comments I've ever got. I thought that that was pretty sweet. Thanks for the feed back. I definitely don't think that I would lose anything if I took a year off. Oh and Bryce, I know that going to college isn't choosing a career, but It's a big step towards one. I have an amount of time before I get a career, and I get to choose how much time that is. I'm in no hurry to get one, so that time frame can be as long as I want. I don't know that going to college next year is really what I want, so why go. Maybe I should take sometime off, experience things, go to college, experience that and see what life has for me after that. Maybe It's a career, maybe it's more "free" time. Thanks for the comments.
Monday, October 1, 2007
"class started two hours ago, oh am I late?"
I procrastinating on studying for my calculus test tomorrow. I'm pretty good at it. It's over the applications of derivatives. You know, first derivative rule, second derivative rule, concavity and the such. I really not enjoying this chapter.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do next year. To tell you the truth, I'm trying to keep my options open, like visit various schools, try for better ACT scores and looking for some scholarships. It's a good thing. I don't want to change my mind last second and find that I haven't given myself very many options, but still, I can't lie, I want to go to Oregon. Another fact, I don't really want to go to school next year. I really want to move to Oregon, or some place like the such, live with who ever I could, find a job, be a part time "musician" (meaning I play my guitar a lot) and eventually gain state residency, then go to school the next year . Most the time I feel like that would set me back. Like if I were to take a year off, then I would be behind schedule. But really, I don't have a schedule. Maybe taking a year off is on my schedule and then I would be right on track. When I tell some people that, they hint that they don't think that it's the best idea. They might not mean to, but that's the gist I get. I don't think I would. I was talking to my dad the other day and he says that his biggest regret was not playing more before getting a career. I'm in no hurry to get a career. I just want to experience life, grow through other windows besides school.
I hope your having a good week. I get to sleep in on Wednesday because it's a late start day. Score!
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do next year. To tell you the truth, I'm trying to keep my options open, like visit various schools, try for better ACT scores and looking for some scholarships. It's a good thing. I don't want to change my mind last second and find that I haven't given myself very many options, but still, I can't lie, I want to go to Oregon. Another fact, I don't really want to go to school next year. I really want to move to Oregon, or some place like the such, live with who ever I could, find a job, be a part time "musician" (meaning I play my guitar a lot) and eventually gain state residency, then go to school the next year . Most the time I feel like that would set me back. Like if I were to take a year off, then I would be behind schedule. But really, I don't have a schedule. Maybe taking a year off is on my schedule and then I would be right on track. When I tell some people that, they hint that they don't think that it's the best idea. They might not mean to, but that's the gist I get. I don't think I would. I was talking to my dad the other day and he says that his biggest regret was not playing more before getting a career. I'm in no hurry to get a career. I just want to experience life, grow through other windows besides school.
I hope your having a good week. I get to sleep in on Wednesday because it's a late start day. Score!
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