the hands of time, must have arthritis

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

It's the last three minutes in Creative Writing and I've never realized how slowly a second goes by, let alone three minutes.

My first lenko list

So I decided that I'm going to continue the trend. I'm calling it the "lenko list" (Andy Tulenko list). And it kind of works because if you pronounce it right, it sounds like link-o list and it's a link of ideas. I don't know, just an excuse for the name I guess. So here it is, a list of ideas that are poping into my head-

-Thermodynamics is uber boring
-I can't wait for next semester
-I can't wait for next year
-A girlfriend will solve all my problems
-I hate hard pencil erasers
-I guess a girlfriend will add to my problems
-BCS is idiotic
-College football is overrated
-Does Troy Smith even play pro?
-Didn't Troy Smith win the Hiesman?
-Mittens are the shit
-I want to wax some peef
-I'm cellphoneless, And I think it may be a good thing
-I made a blockbuster trade in my fantasy league last week: LT and Braylon Edwards for Ocho Cinco and Patrick Willis
-Highschool basketball is suprisly enjoyable to watch
-Rephrase: when you know the players personally...
-Will Smith is a good actor
-Does that make me a bad movie critic?
-Patriots are boring as crap
-Will Smith sucks at rapping
-I'm dominate at Madden '07 for PS2(tmac's victory was a fluke)
-I just watched the clock turn from 4:59 to 5:00
-No, your lame!

That's all I got I guess.

i don't know if there's a point, but it's a post-eh

So I've been sitting on my motivation these last couple of weeks. Not in the way that it's lighting a spark underneath me, but in the way that I'm smothering it. I've had a lot on my mind. There's been some deep thoughts, thorough conversations and progressive, or maybe not so progressive actions. I've been thinking about writing a new blog. I wanted to write something that compliments my attitude lately; something that explains my current life.

I've tried to define myself; challenging what makes me...me. I started to look into my attributes, and trying to see how I value them. I probed the question, slightly prompted by a classmate of mine, of why I have the faith in Christ the way that I do. It's a good question. One who's answer can better me as a person. I thought I could get a great post out of it, but truthfully, it's nothing lengthy. I can elaborate plenty but I believe, and this phrase is very much inspired by a good friend of mine, that authentic hope leads to belief, which leads to actions of faith. I have my faith because I have that hope in something more important, and a belief that Christ was right, and faith that betters me, you and a whole lot of other people.

Truthfully, I've had a pretty...uh..."rough" week, not for lack of a better word but the lack of the will to use profanity. I feel like I'm getting so close to the end of a chapter in my life, and I can't wait for it. I have this intuition, this instinct that when things get hard you fight back, but when you snap, it's game over. I seen over my life, whether it's the right thing to do or not, that if you can't take it anymore, you take some more. But later, when you finally find out that it was too much, you run away. I've come to a breaking point, and I'm ready to leave. Take a break from my life.

My attitude on life has changed so much. It's kind of a "King Kong ain't got s*** on me" attitude. You know, more you a "F" you and all of this too. I hope that doesn't come of the wong way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I've had plenty to blog about. There's just been too much to conprehend. You know the feeling?

f-n' A Cotton, f-n' A

Yep, I did it. I changed the name of my blog. I had been thinking about this new name for a while, and instead of waiting until I graduate high school, making the former name inadequate, I just changed it now. Oh, and for the new look, I guess I just did it because I was bored.



As for what I've been thinking about this week, well, I been watching a lot of ESPN, and here's my deal, I HATE the Patriots. It may sound harsh, but I would be quite alright if Tom Brady tripped over his dog, fell down the stairs colliding with his coach Belichick, severely injuring both. Is that going too far? Can Tom Brady please smile and at least act like he's enjoying himself, because if he's not, please, retire. You're ruining it for the rest of us. And as for the racking up of the score, show some class. Show some respect for the game. I understand that you want to play hard for the whole game, but understand that playing in shotgun for the whole fourth quarter while up by thirty eight points is disrespectful. You've proved your point, your better than them, good job, now step off. All your doing is making yourselves look like jackasses. Eventually, someone is going to take it personally and take it out on Tom Brady. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. I'm looking for Bob Sanders this week end to take care of it. Take it easy, let off. I'm not saying to just take a knee every play, but run the ball, use up the clock and when it's fourth down, kick a field goal! Aghhhhhhhh!



Very frustrating.

...

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer reading the comments on my most recent blog, I had a crystallizing moment. I had an opportunity to post a blog that, honestly, I was terrified to post. I wrote it, and rewrote it, talked to some people on whether or not I should post it, and eventually I did. It's not all that I have inside of my head, but it's a large portion of my recurring thoughts. At least, the ones I've had lately. I realized, when Fisher brought it to my attention, that I most definitely do have a understanding audience. One that I love to write to. I did take a risk. My mind was set that I was probably going to pretty much ripped to pieces in the comments left. It thought that I had missed something obvious and, through the lacking ability of text to convey emotion and attitude, I thought that someone was going to harshly bring it to my attention. No such occurrence. It's more then comforting.

I'm loved. I don't always feel like it. Though, not many people have the opportunity to do what I was able to do. I have friends and family that need me and they consistently show that. I want to thank you all for that.

As for my struggles with affection and what not, they're not over. I don't know how long that will take if it ever happens. I think that it's a strong possibility that this strive for affection is just something to redirect me towards God, but that makes things hard for me. I've never been one who easily can take the fix. I can't pursue the how, without the why. Rob Bell said it all in Velvet Elvis. The why questions need to be answered. I can't simply tell myself that I need to turn towards God for affection. I know, it sounds like the simple answer but I can't take it. Call me a stubborn bastard, I've only learned from the best (you know who you are).

I will wrestle my heart out with God. I will question and challenge everything that I can think of. I don't plan on any victories, but I have to do it. It's the best way for me to engage myself with God. In my everyday life, I question everything. Example: My teachers. Mr. Zander, well, he's not the fondest of me (sorry Erik if that disappoints you). He told me that I had to do my homework consistently to be a good student and if I will ever have a chance to make it to college. Whether that's true or not I'm not arguing. Though, he took out all personal value and that I can't tolerate. I know how to be a good student, I'm not an idiot. I need a why. Why is homework a key part of being a good student, why will I not have a chance to get to college without doing my homework, if I do so well on every test then why is the homework important? Is it about the journey or the end point? Then I have to ask, how do I value my time? Is homework worth my time, in my view? I've always wanted to ask the why, because until those questions are answered, you don't know what how questions even need to be answered.

I love the fact that I challenge everything. I wouldn't be even close to the same person I am today. I don't think that chasing after the heart of God looks anything like simply turning to him. You've got to reach out, grab a hand full and hold on for the ride. Don't take anything easily. Then, God can show you what is important, not just tell you. So I'm bulking up for the ride. **I just flexed of my proverbial plilosophical guns** **sad thing is--there bigger then my real guns**

Now I'm late for Pork Chops. Ah...but is the time that I could have been spending eating Pork Chops worth giving up so that I can reflect on my current life? Depends, why do I even need Pork Chops in the first place?

buh-wah?

I'm hesitant to post this. I can see many of you reading it and just brushing it off as something that I'm simply blowing out of proportion. I hope you don't read into the details, they're just examples, but more into the whole idea.

I can't tell you how many times I lie in bed with my eyes open, hands on my fore head talking to no one. I can't tell you why I do either. I think that maybe it has something to do with my metabolism. I don't eat breakfast, and so I don't start my daily metabolism until 12:30, and that can be a shocker on the system. My body is trying to function on just two huge meals a day. So come around 10:00, I'm not tired because my body didn't really wake up until 12:30 or so. Get it? Never mind if you do or not, that's not he important part. The main idea of this paragraph, if you couldn't tell, is that I lie awake at night, talking to myself.


It's a strange state to be in, trust me. I can't lie, but I got to tell you that what I'm about to say is a little embarrassing. What I'm actually doing while laying there in my bed, is having fake conversations with people who aren't actually there. Almost rehearsal conversations. I don't know why, but I have these full on, dramatic and embellished conversations with someone, and the best part is that it always ends well for me; if it doesn't, I start it over so that it does. Oh, and if it goes really well and I actually want to have that conversation in life, I will sit there and practice it, over and over and over. It's a habit, it's a comfort, it's an addiction!


Somewhere in my life, I became a little socially awkward. The worst part was when I noticed it and started to make a big deal about it, only making it worse. Most of you that read this blog, hopefully haven't noticed because, well, I know you well enough not to be awkward around you. Yet, trust me when I say that I tense up when I'm around other people. I don't know why and I'm sure that a psychiatrist could tell me why, but I really don't care. I just am. There are some people who I just have a tuff time getting to know.


So from here, I think you have figured it out. Those people who I can tend to be awkward around, tend to be the people I "practice" having conversations with. (Man, I sound really lame right now)...(Do I really plan on posting this?)...(Buh-wah?)

I have great friends, a good father, a loving mother and probably the best brother that I could ask for. I'm blessed with those relationships. So anything I say is not in offense to them. It's just how I tend to feel.

I strongly believe that humans were meant for relationships. My brother once said "It's not what you do, but who you do it with." I think that's completely true. I would rather go through a proverbial hell with someone who I care about and who cares for me, then to be in paradise with someone who only comes off negative to me. Humans absolutely need relationships. They are the core of our life. Everything we do, we share with someone in a relationship. And inside that relationship is affection. Affection is crucial to our simple nature. If someone one tells you that they don't care what other's think of them, it's not true. Not at all. They do. They want affection from someone. They want someone to think positively about them. That affection inside our relationships is crucial.

In my life, I'm on a constant search for affection. From every relationship I have, I suck out as much as i can get because I strive off of relationships. I hope that you stuck with me this far because everything I have said is about to come together...hopefully.

Sometimes, I'll have a bad day, a bad week, a bad...you get the point. To try to get myself up and out of that hole, I start searching for affection from others. My friends, my brother, my mom and dad. Yet, sometimes, especially latley, I feel shorted. I still have that erge to feel loved; I have a need to feel needed.

So then, I look at other people outside of my closer relationships. I look at people who are, well, "better" than me, for lack of a better word. What I mean by better is people who I look at and see that they are lovable. They are someone who gets affection all the time. And how do I know that? I don't, I assume it off of thier looks, attitude and how other people act towards them. I begin to think that maybe, if I was to start a relationship with them, and they start to pour thier affection into me, it will be enough. I will be full of affection and things will go easier. "If thier so loved, then thier affection towards others is worth more, and if I get some of that, I'm set."

Then, I realize, that I get awkward around those kinds of people. I've got to be honest, Those people really are all girls. I suck at talking to and getting to know girls. It's not my fortey. When I get awkward around them, I feel worse about myself, and search for that affection even harder. I star to tell myself "I just need a girlfriend". Then I start looking at girls as potential dating partners completley for my benifit. I see in hind sight that looking at girls this way is completley wrong and only puts on more pressure, so I act more awkward, suck worse at getting to know anyone, feel even worse and look for more affection.

Then, when I get home and go to bed, I lay there thinking of a converstation with them. Trying to suply myself with false affection.

Now, I realize that I just tied in God's creation of humans into my "girl problems", but it's not about my girl problems. It's about the fact that I'm never satisfied with the relationships I have. I can't fill myself enough with affection. The worst part is, is when I try to turn to God for affection. It's the hardest thing because it's tuff to feel his presence in my everyday life. I blogged about earlier. I hope that you would agree that it can be hard to feel God's affection when your in your daily schedule. Though, when I go out and look at the stars, it's different, becasue I can feel God's presence, and I am instantly filled. But that's easier said then done.

I strive for affection in my relationships. Everyone does. And when I can't find enough, I start searching in all the wrong places. My "girl problems" is just a symtom of that. All I know is that I sometimes start to go downhill, losing any motivation that I have, when I don't feel needed. I have dating issues, I guess, and I sometimes think that dating shouldn't be that big of a worry for me. But when I'm in such need for affection, dating almost becomes a nessecity, and my struggles with it, becomes a bigger deal. You see, my blogging about girl problems isn't so pathetic anymore.

I could of worked harder on this post. My clearity might be a little rough and I might not have explained myself as much as I wanted to. That's how it goes, eh. I hope you read it and understand what I'm saying. Maybe you have something to say, and I hope you do, but please don't think that this is the extent of my thoughts on this. This post is the Happy Meal of my thoughts.

i think I said to much

At first, I wasn't so sure of the name Steel Train, sounds a little...generic, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Check out thier new CD, it's posted on thier myspace. They really are amazing musicians. I mean to hear that sound and to make it come to life like they do, it's inspiring. I'll just let the music talk for itself. Firecracker is an obvious favorite.

http://www.myspace.com/steeltrain

Oh yeah, and I get to attend thier concert on Monday...Join me, would you?